Lord, Savior and...

BAD MOTHERFUCKER.


That's right America - this Easter...


He's back.






He died for your sins...



Now...


He's killing for them.









Half man, half machine, ALL BADASS.



The bad guys should have known that He's...






But can He defeat the deliciously evil Peep-Kid Peeps of the Easter Apocalypse?
Capable of withstanding shotgun blasts to their marshmellowy innards, they will surely prove a formidable foe!




Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion!


(Honestly, I was kind of torn on the name. First of all, technically speaking, shouldn't I hyphenate it, making it Cyber-Christ? Or should I forget that entirely and go with Christinator? Tough call, tough call.)

Spring Break!!! WOOOO!!!....

...Only that I am stuck in Lubbock.

Yeah, working sucks. Not having money sucks. The "Real World" sucks. I love having all these students ask me what my Spring Break plans are. "Do you get a break?" Yes, I get a break. Kinda. I think we get Friday off of this week. I was going to take off and just bum around the house all week; mainly because I have all this time off I thought I needed to use before I quit in August. But then I found out I can get paid for all that vacation time I still will have. So, I figured why use the vacation time when all I am going to do is sit around the house on the Internet and watching TV/movies when I can do the exact same thing at work? The answer is pretty obvious to me. ALSO, I am broke. Not broke as in I have some money in my checking account...broke as in I have a $0.00 balance. SWEET!

Actually, not really. I don't want to be here for spring break. But I am. I could have gone home, but honestly I would have been more miserable there. And at least in Lubbock I will know a couple of people...not that I am going to do anything fun. Ive noticed that I don't enjoy going out much anymore. This is sad. I would rather sit at home and relax/sleep/be lazy. I used to love drinking. I mean LOVE drinking! I used to get so drunk it was great. I would pass out and not remember what I did. Man those were fun times.

Oh if you noticed by now, this blog really has no point. I mean I could look up something cool to talk about, but I just don't want to.

I really need to figure out what I am going. This year hasn't been the greatest. Not that it has been bad, just not what I wanted it to be.

So I started grad school this semester. Needless to say its kicking my ass. I realize now how much I dislike school and homework and tests and listening to lectures and everything else. Well, I am taking two class; one is a blow off, sadly because I was really hoping to learn something in that class, while the other research methods is really puttin a hurt on me.

But, since I am quitting Mass Comm in August, I have no idea what is next. I originally thought this would be my chance to escape from the buckle of the Bible Belt that is Lubbock, TX. However, I am looking into the possibility of gaining a graduate assistant position at the TTU Health Science Center. I would be working in medical video and photography, which is an area I am greatly interested in. But I do not know where things currently stand. A couple of weeks ago we toured an OR to see some of the equipment that is used, the next step is supposed to be sitting in on several operations and actually seeing the equipment being used. Needless to say I am excited.

However, I need to figure out what their plan is, especially in regards to me. Meaning are they going to be able to pay me? How much? Are they going to want me to take some medical related classes? I do not know the answers to these questions and many more.

I need to because if this does not work out then I will surely leave Lubbock. To where I have no clue, but away.

If this does work out then I will continue my education (I think) at Tech. BUT, I have not looked at any classes to take in Summer or Fall. I wanted to wait to see if they wanted me to take any medical courses or something else. Also, I am supposed to be doing a workshop for Mass Comm over summer, but I have not heard any more mention of it.

I hate not knowing what lies ahead. It causes sleepless nights. Even though I usually don't know what lies ahead, this is different. This opens up the possibility for many things. I am through with Mass Communications August 8, 2008. I am pretty sure they are already finished with me though since they no longer come to me to do anything...which is fine with me.

Well, I think that is all. This is the first day of what will probably be a long work week. Especially since I just don't care about anything here (work wise I mean). Basically, this was my Monday - came in about 9:30; screwed around on the Internet for a while; cleaned up my office a bit; talked to Amy; went to lunch with Amy, where I had two Blue Moon's; walked around and took some pictures; and now I am back in my office finishing up this blog. I am about to go home for the day. HA! It's going to be a long week.

I assume I will have more posts up since A) I will be bored over the next few days of work and B) I really need to start contributing to this blog, especially since I may not be escaping anything any time soon...well unless you count escaping my own reality...

Tardy Transmissions from Beyond the Bible Belt - Episode 1

As widely circulating reports have suggested, I, Josh Justice have indeed escaped the tyrannically tight belt that is Lubbock, and have tossed it along with its shiny buckle to the wayside. I can't say it was a a Great escape, certainly nothing of which Steve McQueen could be proud. Perhaps it was more of a whimpering crawl, a sort of duck and roll out of Lubbock and into...into...?


Alpine, Texas - population 5, 786, hometown of yours truly and site of such fame and infamy as, um...hmm...an Alco store? A True Value? I think one of the guys from Bonanza went to Sul Ross University, the college here, which locals sarcastically call Harvard on the Hill. I think they actually offer a major in Ropin'. But yeah, Dan Blocker.

Got his masters in drama here. Oh, and Arlo Guthrie (son of Woodie, grey-headed longhair, devourer of marijuana and mushrooms) once played the Railroad Blues bar, but demanded that nobody smoke. I asked my mom if there was anything I was forgetting, and all she could think of was that we may have had a minor league baseball team here many years ago.


I'm living with my parents again, moving into a room that greeted me with far too many scented Yankee candles and paintings of flowers on the walls. My stepdad constantly watches Fox News - won't watch any other news - but I'm eating far better than I deserve. If we talk about Iraq, it's seriously like we're talking about two completely different things. There's not even enough common ground to debate.

All over town there are signs posted in front yards that say SUPPORT THE TROOPS. LET THEM WIN!!

Yeah, two exclamation points on that last bit. I like to pretend that the signmaker(s) actually had to spend some time debating the perfect number. "One? Hmm, not enough, but three might be overkill. Better just to settle on two. That seems reasonable."

I'm considering writing a letter to the editor asking them exactly what we will win. I'm hoping it's our national dignity back, but since we can't blow the shit out of something for that, I figure that won't be the answer.

Why can't we support a victory over ambiguity and sloganeering? And also, sure, everybody's loves winning and hates losing, but isn't it also how you play the game? Why not post signs that say something like "GENEVA CONVENTIONS. LET THEM BE FOLLOWED!!"


But yeah, I digress. This is supposed to be about me, not politics.


I, a graduate of Texas Tech University, graduated with honors with a degree in Electronic Media and Communications. This qualifies me (barely I think) for my current job as...

...a ditch-digger. More precisely, I install septic tanks. Yeah, where waste (could have gone with all sorts of juvenalia here, but I tastefully refrain...for now) goes. It's hard labor, usually with a hand constantly on a shovel, a tape measure or piece of pipe waiting to be glued.

I certainly am unable to use anything I learned in college. But at the same time, I feel like I am gaining an education perhaps more valuable, one that brings with it useful and simple concepts of hard work, humility, concise communication, and on a side note, a greater appreciation for the outdoors. I mean seriously, who would have known I could have been a fan of the outdoors? I always considered myself an indoor kid. Damn, maybe I should have checked it out sooner.

We've been working in places like Study Butte, Terlingua and Lajitas, deep south of Texas...There is certainly something to be said for the wordless awe of the sheer geologic majesty of rock jutting out of the earth 6000 feet high, with white patches of salt deposits still lingering from the fact that it was once all under the ocean. I like to pretend that the air above highway 118 split by our vehicles was once an ocean depth split by sharks...after all, shark teeth are abundant here, especially around the tops of anthills, where the little bastards have brought up the dental evidence while making their elaborate tunnels.


Getting in better shape, gaining an understanding of beerdrinking with co-workers after a long day...these are things I like. Sometimes, as in the other weekend in Marfa, I am confronted with the concept of...hmm, maybe I'd call it shame or something, I'm not sure...but when asked, "So, what do you do?" by a not-unattractive female, I hesitate before boldly announcing, "I install septic tanks." If they grimace, I like to follow it up with, "Oh yeah, and I live with my parents."

That always makes them even more fascinated in me. I can tell.


I awake every morning to the television in the living room blaring Fox and Friends, the only show hosted by people that, honestly, if I had nothing left to lose in this world (i.e. I wouldn't feel guilty for going to prison/dying and leaving friends/family behind), would actually murder.

But that's dark. I had hoped there would be some hope in this blog. Or at least some hopeful twist on my current status. All I know is that I'm not unhappy. I miss friends from Lubbock. I do. And I'm not one to really admit, even to myself, that I need people. After years of considering myself a lover of solitude, I am ready to admit that maybe I'm a little restless with solitude.

My life is work, sleep, work, sleep, read, sleep, work. That "read" is valued ever more for its dwindled opportunities.


Oh, and in conclusion, besides the septic tank installing job, I have a job on the side with my mom. Yes, my own Mommy Dearest. We mow lawns. No shit. And she has a serious, legit job with the government - ICE, to be exact, ICE being Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

I call our little venture Mama's Boy Mowin'. We do good work.


Damn! How could I forget this? For those that know me as a bespectacled cynic in love with music, air conditioning, and watching b-movies while under the influence, you might be surprised to know that I've been driving one of these:



It's true. One of my first days on the job involved me driving that up a mountain to a job site. I also was wearing a cowboy hat and boots. That being said, my boss is a bit of an extravagant spender, so we have XM radio in the tractor. So, while I was driving this damn thing, I was able to listen to Morrissey's "Every Day is Like Sunday," which left me, possibly quite egotistically, with the notion that such a scenario had never quite occurred before. I mean really, how many people listen to mopey British dudes while driving a backhoe on the way to dig a 6-foot deep hole in which to put a septic tank?


Of course, immediately following Morrissey, I found and listened to a Creedence song. I basked in the feeling of appropriateness.

You gotta love the weather in Lubbock

So, god is pretty much rocking the shit out of us in Lubbock, TX today. I was going to have a drink...or five...at a local pub with some fellow work mates. We decided a place to go and then left the building of Mass Communications.

Now, before I continue with this, I want to remind all of you lovely readers than I work in the basement of said building. The other gentleman that was going to journey with me to the pub also works in the basement. So, basically I never know what the weather is doing until I leave to go home...or like today, the bar.

We walk out and notice it's starting to rain and it's pretty damn windy. And cloudy. Since there is construction pretty much surrounding Texas Tech campus, the wind also carries dirt. So, we are walking to our cars, being blown sideways by the wind, getting wet from the rain, and getting dirt in our eyes and mouth - also thanks to the wind. We leave to meet at the bar. While driving, it begins to rain harder and faster. Their is debris flying all over the place from the wind. Also, while trying to get to the bar, I notice several trees have been knocked down. The rain is coming down much harder and faster now; In fact, I can barely see anything and my wipers were on the fastest wipe setting. I thought about pulling over till it clears up...now, before I continue, let me tell you that storms in Lubbock either last for days or a few seconds...so I thought if I pulled over and waited, I could eventually continue driving when things cleared up a little.

Well, this would normally be a great idea. But Lubbock has a HUGE problem with flooding. So, if I pulled over anywhere along the way, it probably would have been worse, ie: my car could have gotten stuck or flooded out or something.

Oh, and did I mention the hail. Yeah, it also started hailing. So hard I was afraid my windows would crack and break and then it would raining (actually flooding) in my car.

So, I called my co-worker and we decided to take a rain check. Probably a good idea, given the hail, rain and winds.

Since I was heading towards my house anyway (the pub we were going to is close to my house) I headed on home. Well, I could still barely see anything. I was pretty scared. Finally I made it home to find the power had gone out twice. It went out twice more since I have been home. We (Eric and I) watched the news to figure out anything we could. Well, they were saying the storm was "blanketing" Lubbock with pea to marble size hail, massive amounts of rain, and 50-60 mile an hour winds. The best thing, they never really mentioned where this god-shitting on lubbock-type storm came from. It was a miracle storm. A shit-miracle storm.

I'm not saying storms like this don't happen elsewhere. But here in Lubbock, TX, one of the claimed buckles of the Bible Belt, we tend to get storms out of nowhere and then within minutes, they are gone. Actually,as I am finishing this, I can see the clouds moving on. This afternoon when I went to lunch it was great...well it was clear and sunny (I am a fan of cool, cold, cloudy weather).

I am sure there is an explanation for this...god likes pissing on Lubbock. Really, I mean this happens all the time. We will have a storm, within minutes it will clear up and it will look like nothing happened. Last winter, it started snowing one morning. By the end of that same day it was bright, warm and sunny. No more snow on the ground. It looked like there was never any snow on the ground anywhere.

My point is this...Lubbock's weather is fucking crazy. It changed hourly; by the minute even. There is no explanation for it...well I am sure there is, but no one around here seems to know it.

As much as I love cold, cloudy weather, I can not wait to get to a place where there is some standard on weather. A place that actually experiences all four seasons. It must be nice to know what the weather be like for days to come. I can not wait to leave the buckle, to leave Lubbock...to escape the Bible Belt.

Starting Over with God

It's true. God and I had gone awry somewhere, had bottled up too many things, had left too many things unsaid, and had simply... fallen out of love. Our sex life was laughable. And we fought, oh did we fight - and over the simplest things.

So, we hired Dr. Phil to personally meet with us and cast beams of wisdom and compassion from his radiant cranium into our soiled hearts.

And also Viagra. That helped us out, too. (wouldn't Christboner be a cool name for a metal or hardcore band? maybe even like a deathmetal-christian band)


On another note, are we to understand that the listing is in the order in which we are to do them? Clean the garage? Exercise? Like, does doing some squats come before ultimate transcendence to an eternal heaven? Rippling calves before divinity? Gluteal dominance precedes purity of heart?

God: "No fatties."

I'm comfortable with Lubbock?!?!?

All right, first let me start out by saying it has been a very long time since I have posted anything on here. In fact, one could say I have non-existent in contributing to our blog. My excuse: none; just pure laziness. Well, I did attempt one yesterday, however I broke my computer in the process. So, I am starting fresh. There will be more postings by me and more pictures. Ironically, I have only posted one entry containing pictures. And I was the one who wanted a photography blog. What a failure I am. Oh well…

Well, one of us (us being the two contributors to this blog) has escaped. Escaped the good ol’ shiny brass buckle of the Bible Belt, otherwise know as Lubbock, TX. (“Lubbock, Texas, which has more churches per capita than anywhere else in the nation. [4]” – from Wikipedia under the “Bible Belt” entry. The [4] is a reference from a Washington Post article.) But yes, it is true. One of us has conquered the buckle. I can only image how it must feel being away from it all. Obviously, I am still here. Working. Slowly plotting my escape. Or my imminent doom. Which ever comes first.

I have found myself in a strange state of mind. A perplexed reality. I see that it is possible to escape, although I constantly find reasons to stay longer. I have had my chances. To move to Dallas. To move to the Rio Grande Valley area, and be closer to home. I have had chances to move outside of Texas, to Portland or Colorado. I even have the option to travel with my close friend, Chris, around the world for a year. Simply living in his houseboat and going wherever we desired. He would write and continue his freelance web design work, while I would photograph and probably start writing again. We have talked about this for years. He is not tied down by anything as long as he Internet. I, however, have been the one to question so much. Not about where we will go or what we will do or how we will survive; it has been what will I do with my life here. The more I contemplate this, the more I realize I have less and less here everyday. Friends are leaving. Work is getting worse ever day. I need to leave. I should just go. But I find myself comfortable here.

Comfortable in Lubbock, Texas. It is a strange feeling. To be comfortable. Josh and I were talking one day about the idea of being comfortable. I don’t exactly remember the conversation, but I do remember it involved the thought of “being comfortable” as a bad thing. We both agreed that we thought the idea to become comfortable somewhere was a GOOD thing, great even. The thought of finding a place, a job, a life that you were comfortable with, happy with. Sounds like the perfect scenario to me. But no. Apparently “being comfortable” is frowned upon in today’s fast-paced world. When did this happen? And who decided “being comfortable” was such a bad thing? Has “being comfortable” become the new phrase for “I’m content?” I can understand the desire for one to challenge themselves, but can you not say you are comfortable with your life and job and STILL challenge yourself?

I have decided that I want to live more like a caveman. Maybe in modern times. Maybe in prehistoric times. But the idea of carrying a large wooden club around and beating everything and anything you want and need, and then dragging it off to your refuge sounds like the best life ever. I mean think about it. You want a meal, grab your club, go out and club a cow (or lion or dinosaur or saber-tooth tiger – all depending on which time period you pick) and enjoy. I mean sure, you probably need to cook it, with all the diseases and whatnot. Or, fuck it and just eat it raw. I mean you don’t see animals cooking their food do you? Did cavemen? Probably not. Well, maybe they cooked it briefly over a fire, but that would be about it.

I really don’t know what my point was with that. All I know is that I am comfortable. But I would be more comfortable if I was carrying around a big fucking wooden club. And yes, I would be challenging myself. I mean, really, do you think something would just sit there and let you club it? No. You’re going to have to chase after the fucking thing. Hell, that’s not only a challenge, that’s a damn workout.

I know one thing that’s for sure. I would have a fucking pet dinosaur. And that too, would also provide daily challenges.

All I know is, life sucks. You think you are happy, and then someone tells you that you aren’t. They tell you to do more, to become more. Depression is a way of life. Well, to me it is. Maybe the answer is to leave. Maybe I should travel around the world. I think first I will start small and escape the Bible Belt. I just realized (I am typing this in word and then pasting it) that word tells you to capitalize “Bible.” Why is this? I am not specifying a specific bible. I am sure there are multiple bibles out there. Hell, we have a store here called Bible Mart! Ironically, it went out of business…this is great, a bible store going out of business in the “buckle” of the Bible belt. (I put the word buckle in parenthesis because several places claim to be said buckle of said Bible Belt.)


On a side note, has anyone seen the Trojan Condom commercial where a lady walks into a bar full of pigs? This angers me. It basically says that all guys go to bars to pick up chicks and have sex with them, and unless they use a condom…and apparently is has to be a Trojan brand condom…they are pigs. Well, I for one take great offense. I go to the bar to get drunk. That’s it. And just because I may actually talk to a girl while at a bar…a bar I came to drink at, mind you…doesn’t mean that all I want is to get into her pants! – More on this later, I will try to find the commercial to post along with my rant.

Taking Up the Gauntlet for the Cause of Shit Mountain's Delicate Ecosystem

Seriously, this Michael Vick shit has got to stop. Cnn.com actually had it taking precedence over the resignation of Alberto Gonzales yesterday.

This story is out of control and I blame all parties. For one, Michael Vick fucked up. Training dogs to fight is cruel and he should be punished for it. Have you ever tried to even be near a dog that has been trained to fight? They're not friendly dogs, and they become worthless as pets, because they'll bite your kibbles and bits off when you're just trying to get out their way. So that part of the story should be put to rest. Anyone thinking that dogfighting is acceptable is living in the past.

As for the attention the story is receiving: The NAACP and others have charged there are racist motivations involved and that the story does not warrant this much attention. They're right about it not warranting attention, especially headline-level attention. But he's not being singled out because he's a black athlete; he's being singled out because he's a rich athlete. Again, this is a matter of celebrity and class, not race.

Until we realize that, we will not address our fucked up obsession with celebrity and how anything that some celebrity does is news. Why can't we just have news? Why does the media have to reduce all information to the same level of importance? By providing an "entertainment" portion to the news, and then giving it near-equal time and imbibing it with the same amount of journalistic effort (given, not much) as they do the resignation of an attorney general, it lowers the value of both. It's kind of like mixing religion and politics.

The NFL is also fucked up for being more concerned with Vick's gambling than his butchering of man's best friends. I guess dog fighting doesn't conflict with their image though, so only the gambling is bad for business.


But there I go, just filling the Internet with more shit by talking about it, creating ever more layers to the nonsense, kinda like this sedimentary rock formation seen here:



See, layer upon layer of shit is added, and with the ever-decreasing timespan it takes for media stories to flourish and take on lives of their own, what we create, essentially, is a Shit Mountain.

The question becomes, "Who is King Fuck of Shit Mountain?"

Actually, no, that's not the question. I just like that phrase. To be honest, it's not really like sedimentary rock formations. Not at all. It's more of a really lazy, self-sustaining loop. But in the spirit of lazy journalism, I'm just going to let that idea drop.


And finish with some bullet points.

1. Lubbock and Texas Tech are so much better, bearable even, when all the students are gone. Walking on campus today reminds me why I support nuclear armament. (And yeah, you CAN hug with nuclear arms, it's just not very cuddly, not something you'd want to spoon with perhaps)

2. Man of the Year starring Robin Williams was not what I expected, and it also was not terrible, something I also didn't expect. What a glowing review huh? Not terrible.

3. Dane Cook also needs to stop. As does the absurd level of whoring out of the main myspace page after you sign in. I realize the News Corp. juggernaut now owns this little site, but can't it be a little less gaudy?

random...
We are now voluntarily doing the work of marketers - see, social networking sites are datamining opportunities. By willingly listing our favorite books, movies, tv shows, etc., we are offering ourselves and our interests up for easy cataloguing. I'm not here to suggest paranoid delusions of marketers targetting people individually, but rather we are eliminating the need for any sort of market research. Consider facebook's hyperlinking of information in those categories of personal interest...(and we should be making these assholes' jobs harder, not easier)

As much positive talk there is in regard to people being empowered through the Internet, user-generated content making dents in traditional corporate media, and new ways to express ourselves via things like social networking profiles, there doesn't seem to be much critical analysis of what's going on. Sure, we're expressing ourselves, but isn't it typically more mundane bullshit? Aren't we just spending time delicately crafting advertisements of ourselves? We're essentially crafting ourselves into a socially-networked brand. We are reducing ourselves to advertisements I fear.

And lastly, on a personal note...

I've been kind of quiet about this, as I wasn't sure until recently, but yeah, I'll be leaving Lubbock in a week. I was going to write a long thing about shit I'll miss, shit I won't miss and make a whole open letter to Lubbock, and maybe i still will, but for now I'll just say that I'm moving back to Alpine to get in touch with my inner beard. More news to come on that. I'm sure you will wait patiently by your computer for updates...

Buddy Holly’s Post-Apocalyptic CageMatch 3000

I'm working on a new series of post-apocalyptically themed adventures occurring in a Lubbock gone mad with lawlessness and impossibly harsh conditions. It stars a formerly cryogenically frozen Buddy Holly as he fights to become the new Lord of Lubbock and save humanity. There will probably be cage matches. Oh, and astute cultural observations. Gotta have some of those.

I already came up with a photo of the thawed Buddy Holly and his sidekick, Ritchie Valens. Both were frozen by the government to be revived later in order to save rock and roll. Or, rebuild humanity amid a radiated, violently upturned world. Whichever came first. As you can tell, both were intravaneously fed steroids during their frozen state.

I guess I'm shooting for a mix of Mad Max, professional wrestling (hence the bodies and tag-team championship belts provided by former 80s greats Road Warriors Hawk and Animal), and uh...cultural and media criticism. You know, lowbrow and highbrow clashing to create something absurd. Here's the image:




I know you're not really supposed to share stuff that's still in the creation/idea stage but I was so excited and, as the song goes, I just can't hide it. Who knows if I'll actually get motivated to write a short story or two about this. Writing some fiction has been on my list, and all I can seem to motivate myself to do is complain sarcastically about life and politics. I'm ready to just create something strange on its own, as opposed to being just commentary on something else.

Coming Soon to a Wal Mart Near Us - Inaction Figures!

A limited number (425) of Wal Mart stores will begin selling Bible "action" (quotations mine) figures in order to test for "interest in faith-based toys." And who woulda thunk it? Lubbock Texas, home of the nationally-known, Chippendale-and-dildo-slaying police force, is one of the lucky guinea pigs.

The Wal Mart on the South Loop will begin carrying one2believe merchandise, but so far only the "Tales of Glory" figurine sets. Here is Noah and the Big Fish:



Seems pretty harmless, yet pretty lame. Fair enough.

But from what I can tell, they will not be carrying the following figures, as they belong to a different line:

This 12" talking Jesus doll


But best of all, check out these bad boys



That picture comes beneath the headline:

"The Battle for the Toy Box!"

I'll never be comfortable with people (fundamentalist, Christians commercializing their religion) turning everything into a battle. Why is everything seen as a battle with these people? It strikes me as very paranoid, uptight and really not healthy to paint everything as good or evil and then put it to a fight.

Here's the one2believe Web site
.

And of course they partner with this asshole and his asshole organization

Mostly I'm just disappointed in their lack of purchasable villains. Would they actually make a sweet Satan action figure, or would they have to anthropomorphize abstract concepts like jealousy, adultery or taking the Lord's name in vain?

They are slated to go on sale August 18.

I really need to capitalize on this commercialization of Christianity. I'm missing out on an incredibly lucrative market. I know South Park joked about that idea when Cartman started a Christian band, pointing out that even if the product is shitty, the idea for the product must obviously have come from God, so how could we dislike it? You almost have to like it, lest you offend your precious, bearded father figure in the sky. Hell, I could sell kitty litter and say it has sparkling, Christian crystals from a holy land that fills your home with the scents of frankincense and myrrh with every dig of your precious feline's paws.

White Mice in Lubbock Texas

Due to not preparing or knowing how to deal with such low light, I was forced to make it look like some artistic stab at editing in order just to make these dudes visible. Hopefully, such video will improve as I do more of them.

I have plans to keep recording KTXT shows, if not other Lubbock shows in general.

Entry Not Worthy of Title That Requires Any Thought Whatsoever

As seen at Ralph's Records University location:






Really?

Really?


Weird Al in Lubbock? Who the fuck is responsible for this?

For the amount of money whatever booking/promotional company is going to pay this dude, couldn't they bring somebody not completely laughable? And look - I know we've all, at one point in our lives, had a spot in our hearts for Weird Al. I'm sure he's a smart, likable guy. I'm sure he's even OK to go have coffee and a sandwich with or something. Fine.

But buy a ticket to see him play music for an extended period of time, surrounded by the kind of people who would go to hear Weird Al play music for an extended period of time, in a venue highly unlikely to be piping in hydroponically-grown marijuana smoke for the entire concert?



No.

The Title's Stayin', Apparently So Are We

Look, as it is, our two heroes may be in Lubbock for a while longer.


There's not much to do in Lubbock. Except complain about it. So, I'm sure there will be a veritable bevy of new blogs in the coming days, now that we have accepted our continued stay here.

Also, while it's quite fun to attack things here, I suppose we'll try and lighten it up with puppy dogs and ice cream and rainbow-farting unicorns from time to time.



Now, we realize that the title of the blog, The Great Bible Belt Escape, therefore may temporarily be inaccurate. But, we're falling back on the claim that we never actually said WHEN this escape would occur. So there.

Even if we're rolling ourselves out of town in wheelchairs with fractured hips and hearing aids blowing out in the wind, we'll escape.

Perhaps we're just enjoying detailing the absurdities of this place too much to leave.

Mmm...maybe. But mostly we're broke as shit.

This Baby Jesus Likes to Party

As you may know, Lubbock's crime rate, especially that of violent crime, is disproportionately high. It's a not-so-secret secret of this immaculate Bible Belt buckle, where the good ol' folks want to live in a bubble full of angels and football dreams.

But, fear not Lubbockites, because the LPD is hot on the trail of the latest local villains hellbent on world domination.

That's right. Our donut-caked moustachioed heroes have allowed us all to rest a little easier tonight, snug and comfortable on our pillows and prayers. For folks, the Lubbock Police Department has foiled another group of sex-crazed scoundrels running a motley den of sin.

From lubbockonline.com:
"The owner of a lingerie shop where undercover officers arrested a store employee earlier this month could also face charges in connection with sexual devices that police recently confiscated from the store, Lubbock’s police chief said Tuesday."

"Four undercover officers served a search warrant at Somethin’ Sexy lingerie shop on Slide Road on May 4. An employee who sold a sexual device to an undercover police officer was arrested and charged with promotion of obscene devices — a class A misdemeanor."

"[Police Chief Claude] Jones cited chapter 43 of the Texas Penal Code, which prohibits the possession of six or more obscene devices — described as 'a dildo or artificial vagina, designed and marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.'

I'm slightly troubled by the seemingly necessary inclusion of the word "human" in that last sentence.

But now to the hot and sexy details:
"Inside a closed cabinet at the rear of the store, police discovered dozens of 'hard core' sexual devices 'obviously intended for sexual gratification,' Jones said."

"According to police records, about 120 items were confiscated from Somethin’ Sexy, ranging from vibrating tongue rings to a remote vibrating thong."

Remote vibrating thong? Are people so lazy that they need a remote for this? They're too lazy to keep their hands on their own genitals?

Anyway, I'm glad to know we got these scoundrels. I hope they rot in prison forever. You don't expect us to just let these fiends peddle their filth to adults who actively request to see and purchase these items do you? My God, we can't just allow private morality to escape the whims of puritanical-based legislation can we? What would become of this utopian oasis we call home?

Perhaps the police thought the dildos were somehow tied to a murder. Like, if the boardgame clue took place in Lubbock instead of a mysterious mansion, we could say that "It was Mrs. White...in the Somethin' Sexy Lingerie store on slide...with...the dreaded Dildo of Thor!"


I can't help but think that if the "obscene devices" looked like this




we wouldn't be having a problem. I mean, a Baby Jesus Buttplug? That's good Christian fun right there.

God's Got a New Buddy!

Yeah, we're a little late on this.


The story from the Lubbock Avalance Journal is, of course, glowing with adoration in its retrospective. Read it here, and notice this line in reference to Falwell - "Once he began to speak out on political issues, he didn't worry about being politically correct. His concern was to be biblically correct."

Clever wordplay A-J Religion Editor, Beth Pratt. But really? Biblically correct?



That was from Corinthians right?
"But you gotta kill the terrorists before the killing stops...Chase them all over the world, if it takes ten years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord."

Amen.

Even Jesse Jackson was bewildered by those comments. The circumstances are indeed rare when Jesse Jackson is the one in the room rolling his eyes.

But returning to the story in the A-J, there is not one negative statement about Falwell. The only comment not a semantic hummer was this gem:

"I'm still surprised that he died."

He was 73 years old and had the jowls of ten men! The dude was a fucking walking Ho Ho!


Last time he fell on his keys, he cut his leg open and bled gravy all over Revelations.

I read that somewhere I think.



Fun Facts and quotes:

Falwell referred to the Civil Rights Movement as the "Civil Wrongs Movement."

He believed in a sinful homosexual agenda dedicated to the recruitment and molestation of children. "Gay folks would just as soon kill you as look at you."

"Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions."



In conclusion, Christopher Hitchens says it much more ferociously and eloquently than I could even hope to.

Lubbock: "A Good Place to Live, But I Wouldn't Want to Visit There"

Even the trailer for this documentary says a lot about Lubbock.

It's called Lubbock Lights and was made by some Austin filmmakers. They are incredibly thorough, covering the obvious musicians from Lubbock like the Flatlanders, but also the obscure, like the Legendary Stardust Cowboy.

Some complain that this movie leaves a lot of things about Lubbock out of it. This is true. You certainly don't hear about fun stuff like STD and murder rates and the extreme polarization of wealth.

But that's for another time and place. This documentary is just about the music.

And it's about the culture, the weather, and the literal and metaphorical emptiness and vastness of the place that mix to forge a musical mindset.

I had to special order my copy from the film's Web site.

This Bible is Set to Explode in T-Minus-Whenever-this-Episode-of-700-Club-is-Over

The Bible Belt, as indicated by giant, amorphous rash:



I've indicated the location of Lubbock and felt it appropriate to superimpose images of Jesus and Waylon Jenning's belt buckle to pose as the metaphorical "bright, shining buckle of the Bible Belt."

The term Bible Belt originated from H.L. Mencken, a journalist and social critic famous for his brutal satire. I believe he may have originally been using the aforementioned quote to label some place in the Carolinas, but it feels appropriate to Lubbock considering the facts:

Lubbock is the second most conservative city in the nation.

Lubback has the most churches per capita in the nation.

In the summer of 2006, the mayor tells the local newspaper, "Nobody is going to tell God what to do and what not to do, but we are in a serious drought in West Texas and since he is the man who controls the rain clouds, we're asking him for his mercy and his help."

He followed that with a plea to the city to pray for rain.

Oh, and you can't buy booze in the city limits. Instead, you have to drive quickly and dangerously out of town and then drink it on the way back in to town. Which, studies have shown, is always safer.



On a religious but different note, be sure to watch the most recent Bill Moyers Journal episode, where he interviews Jonathan Miller about his new PBS special, A Rough History of Disbelief.

After I had my mind blown and my consciousness raised by Mr. Miller, I decided to search my local listings for that new show. To my disappoint, but utter un-astonishment, I discovered that Lubbock's PBS station will not be showing this documentary that traces the overall history of atheism with Miller's own personal arc of disbelief. Surprise, surprise. So, youtube it is. Thankfully, they have the original airing of it on the BBC. Here is episode 1, part 1.

Just listen to this guy talk. It's astonishing.