We've Been Watching Wrestling Videos Again...

I reprint here, for your consideration as our new national anthem, Hulk Hogan's theme song, "Real American." Keep in mind that legislation would be passed to require an enemy combatant receive an irish whip, boot to the face, and leg drop during every public rendition. (I realize that's probably pretty unreasonable, but let's pretend that we live in a future world where guantanamo prisoners are rented out for purposes like these, in order to fund more anti-terrorist, baby-saving surveillance technologies. See, basically, the private sector would be introduced to guantanamo, and corporations could use prisoners as slave labor, Hollywood stunt doubles, legdrop recipients, etc.) (Or maybe we could just legdrop a liberal, because Ann Coulter says they're pretty much the same as a terrorist.)

Sorry for the near-tangential prologue there. Moving on...

(Read it aloud, with gusto; it'll keep those "colors from running.")

I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

When it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside,
ya' gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide,
Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride,
I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide,
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

I feel strong about right and wrong,
And I don't take trouble for very long,
I got something deep inside of me, and courage is the thing that keeps us free,
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

Well you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride,
I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide,
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!



I consider it a major military and foreign policy blunder by Bush that he did not declare "Real American" the new anthem on September 14 as he famously stood on that pile of rubble. When he addressed the workers via bullhorn and said "I can hear you. The rest of the world hears you. And the people who knocked down these buildings will hear all of us soon," he should have added "and they'll also hear this sweet Rick Derringer tune about being a real american. And it's gonna be fucking loud, too," the workers responding with a resounding, energetic and fluctuating chant of "USA, USA! Hogan, Hogan! USA, USA!"

And let's face it, that Francis Scott Key shit-spangled banner song or whatever is sooo 1800s. It's your fucking grandpappy's anthem, and we need a powerful, hip young message that lets the evildoers know we're not gonna let shit slide. Oh no, "when it comes crashing down...we fight for what's right," even if we're not totally sure what that is. (Although, I've been told it's the right to buy a shitload of flags and suddenly rediscover blind patriotism as a replacement for political awareness and participation in democracy.)


Come on America, get your shit together, quit being a pussy, and write your congressman to tell them the next time you put your right hand over your heart, you want to be singing this: