Political Suicide and Some Ron Paul

I saw this today with my boss, and as it came on he said, "Watch this." Being that he's a conservative, I assumed he approved of what I was about to see.

Luckily, the man has more damn sense than that. When it was over he said, "Is nothing sacred?"

Watch for yourself. Personally, I think it's going to backfire.



Dear Mike Huckabee,

I hope you're Christmas is a shit sandwich. Maybe you can tell me what that whole Christmas tree thing is about while you're at it, because it sure as Hell doesn't ring a Biblical bell with me. Oh, and I'd like to see some evidence to prove that December 25 is indeed the birth of Jesus.
While I don't care how much you politicize your religion, I hope that other believers realize how dangerously you're treading. As a former Baptist minister, you should have more respect for your religion than to bring it into the notoriously sullied sphere of politics. Separation of church and state exists to protect not just the state Mr. Huckabee, but also your religion.



But thinking back to my boss, it pleased me tremendously that at least not all conservatives will fall for this Gomer Pyle-lookin' motherfucker.


"Well, golly-gee, I just wants to be your Theocrat-in-Chief."


Moving on...

Ron Paul. I like a lot of what I hear from him, and he is the ONLY Republican candidate I'm willing to even listen to anymore. The rest are completely, completely hopeless, pathetic jokes.

Huckabee's awful POLITICAL ad where he complains, in his bullshit President Bush-inspired good ol' boy "aw shucks" attitude, about POLITICS, actually gets a response from Paul in the next video. It's a good response, and also discussed is the amazing fundraising efforts by Paul's supporters.

But don't stop watching after that, because the little "interview" of Paul by the white woman from Fox and Friends (seriously, I would euthanize these people) is AMAZING. I mean, I've seen some shit in my life, and posted some ridiculous things on blogs before, but this...this is...just...My God, you may want to grab some duct tape and wrap it around your head, going under your chin and back over the top several times just to keep your jaw from falling completely off. That, and don't have a gun nearby. Suicide might not seem fairly reasonable.



"One-word response." ?!?!??!?!!!!!!!!!!????????!?!!!?!?!??!??!?!!?!??!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????!!!!!!!!!!???!?!?!?!!!!!!!??????!!!????!?

The gun is in my hands, pressed to my head, I'm shaking - "Please Fox and Friends, I can't...don't make me...I just can't go on anymore. The media is so...fucking...goddamn...fuck...please no more retarded....the world is so fucking fucked...ah Jesus...shit man, this isn't how the news is supposed to....fuck..goddamn..."

BLAM!!!


Sweet release. No more Fox and Friends.

Government Shredding Services - Wow.

That is, in chart form, the federal government's contracting costs for paper shredding services.

In 2000, the cost was $452,807. In 2006 it reached 2.9 million. And now, with 2007's records kept only through the second quarter and part of the third, the cost already reached $2,274,143. From 2000 to 2007, that's a 600 percent increase during the Bush administration.


I guess they have a lot to hide? So much so that they have required the services of 184 different contractors.


This frightening information comes from a sweet new Web site dedicated to documenting federal expenditures. It's USAspending.gov, and it's a database which "allows users to search by contracts and grants, contractor names, congressional districts and lawmakers. The data can be easily downloaded and used. A 'wiki' function gives users a chance to suggest changes and add information. Charts and rankings show to whom and where the bulk of federal dollars go." (Washington Post article)


The Web site is the ultimate result of a bill co-sponsored last year by senators Barack Obama and Republican Tom Coburn (Okla.), requiring the government to set up just such a searchable database by January 1, 2008. (Holy crap, perhaps the most amazing part of the story is that the government actually did something in the time they said they would. Before even! This might just call for rejoicing in the streets!)

News of the bill generated some contraversy when there was a secret hold placed on it, essentially crippling any discussion or vote on the matter. It was later revealed that, surprise surprise, corrupt Alaskan Senator The-Internet-is-not-a-dumptruck Ted Stevens was the "secret Senator."

Luckily, we now have this awesome tool to monitor goverment spending, and tax-paying citizens are finally empowered with some transparency into their leaders' spending and contracting habits.

From the same Washington Post article:

"The site goes further than the law demands, posting information every two weeks rather than every month and providing information on whether the contracts were subject to competitive bidding."

This last part will probably lead to some interesting information in regard to military and security contracts, and whether or not no-bid contracts were awarded to old friends in high places.

The site was created by a non-profit group working with the Office for Management and Budget for the cost of $600,000.

Lastly, I believe this should be played up by Obama's campaign, as it would be quite a highlight on his legislative experience. And, it definitely gave me another reason to like him.

Country Bumpkin Ding-Dang-Diddlies his Way to the Big City

So, this here yokel is damn near to deciding that he's going to move to New York City. Now, this doesn't imply that I've really given it much thought, cuz I haven't.

I've just decided.

Or, almost, kinda-sorta-maybe decided.

Now is the time in some blogs when the writer might ask for advice. But tell you what, I'm not going to do that, because honestly, I wouldn't listen. What the hell have you people done for me lately anyway, huh? (please, send money)

Not once in my life have I done something that really scared me, and in most cases I don't take chances. I played the lotto once, lost, it broke my heart, and I haven't been able to put myself out there like that again because I'm afraid of getting hurt. True story.


My current life in Alpine, Texas has not been bad, but that whole thing about not being able to go home again, well, I suppose I'm living the cliche. Things are strange and alien here, and in fear of keeping the cliches going, I feel like I'm losing myself. I don't even feel comfortable around old friends, ones I was sure with whom I could easily fall back into some sort of rhythm. But being back has me also questioning my own mind, who I am, and my abilities. An overall questionable mental health prevails. Paranoia, I fear, might have forced me into seclusion with my cats.

In their defense, they are pretty cool cats.

But this is not about the present. This is more about a radical future. Shit, for that matter, any future. Right now it's septic tanks, thousands of gallons of human waste week in and week out, sweat falling off me as this mama's boy struggles to maximize his shovel's efficiency.

On a side note, did you know you shouldn't flush condoms down the toilet? You should know that. Especially if you have a septic tank. Man, you'd be amazed what we find in the old ones we have to replace. (my boss told me about a lady who learned about her teenage daughter's sexual debauchery when she was able to see for herself the large amount of prophylactics in their septic tank. people are fucking stupid man)

But I wonder, are there gigs in New York City where i can participate in paid laboratory tests that are trying to get to the bottom of self-loathing, potentially using it as an alternative fuel source? I can power at least two boroughs. You know, if the science is available.


An old friend of mine lives there and his wife works for martha stewart. I'm thinking that's my in. That way I can seduce Martha and get her money. Plus, she can bake me a cake to get the awful taste of lost dignity out of my mouth, after doing the things (anything) I'm willing to do for that hot, sexy cash. And besides, she's not a bad lookin' lady. I'm sure she wouldn't say no to a young love slave of some sort.


Another point of concern: Are handlebar mustaches allowed in New York? Or did Guliani ban those as a part of his aggressive enforcement-deterrent strategy to crack down on crime?

That's a big concern for me, and a possible dealbreaker. (more on my mustache later. it's deserving of it's own blog post. maybe even it's own blog.)


If New York is indeed a decision I make, I figure I should have some sort of plan. You know, something to fall back on if Martha Stewart somehow manages to resist my advances, however dashing and gallant they would certainly be.


Already on my list of options is a well-paying freelance writing gig, as related to me by the same chap with the martha stewart-connected wife.

And how New York is this - it involves writing synopses of porno movies. It's funny because another friend, one who has rather philanthropically offered me futon rights in his apartment, had a similar first job, where he wrote product descriptions of sex toys to be sold online. Now, I'm not sure how resume-building such employment would be, but the pay is allegedly good. Plus I'm sure momma would be proud, along with every writing teacher who ever praised me.

It would certainly be a challenge. I mean, there are so many new writerly questions and obstacles. Do the back of porno movie DVDs follow AP style? Or the MLA format? I better get to researching these things, lest I embarrass myself while talking to a possible employer.

Mostly I fear that I would run out of synonyms for 'explosive cumshot.' (concussive orgasm? artilleryesque...umm...Pollock-esque.......I'll stop there.) But perhaps I'm projecting far too grammatical and literary eyes onto the fans of such entertainment. (Ha, I can see myself fretting over whether people were actually reading my work. Like: "But...but, do they understand me? Did they pick up on that Hemingway allusion in the last paragraph?")

All in all, I couldn't turn down a job that offered me the opportunity to, frustratingly stooped over a laptop trying to compose copy, yell to a roommate, "Quiet, dammit! I'm trying to work here!" over the background ambience moans of Gluteus to the Maximus.

This is the Only Movie I Want to See Anymore

I know absolutely nothing about this, and I don't care. It's...just...sweet jesus...

Talking Jesus Doll Hotter than Flapjacks

For those of you fretting over what to buy me for Christmas, this is not what I want. And even if I did, you might not be able to find one.

It is a 12-inch talking Jesus "action figure." I actually wrote about it in July, when it was reported that a limited number of Wal Mart stores would begin selling Bible figures in order to test for "interest in faith-based toys."

And apparently the interest is there, as WalMart now claims they have sold out of the lil' plastic saviors, and Target.com is also running low.

Here's the product description from Target.com:

• This colorful and richly detailed talking figure brings the New Testament to life with a Jesus character that kids can play with and move
• God’s only son, Jesus helped people by teaching them God’s lessons, healing them and performing miracles
• The Biblical character comes with a vibrant mini storybook that kids may follow and use to recreate the tales
• A delightful "action figure" and fully interactive way for children to learn and participate in religious education
• For ages 3 yrs. and up


And lest the Lord be a dick about it...

• Batteries Included!


Oh, praise God! My child doesn't have to burn for all Eternity in Hell just because I forgot to stock up on double-a's!

(And am I to understand that kids under the age of three are just doomed, hellbound?)


Now, if you're still wondering what to get me for Christmas, besides a mustache cup, maybe you could convince the makers of these toy messiahs to make some fucking Bee Gees action figures. It would only take a few modifications.



See?

A Constitutional Defense of Titty Bars

From the AP:

Austin: A coalition of strip clubs has filed a lawsuit seeking to block a state law that would add a $5 surcharge for every strip club visitor.

The new fee, which was approved this year by the Texas Legislature, is set to take effect on Jan. 1. It's expected to raise about $40 million to be dispersed for sexual assault prevention programs and health care for the uninsured.

The lawsuit argues that the fee would amount to an unconstitutional tax on nude dancing, a form of expression protected by the First Amendment.


So listen up Cherry, Destiny and Candy - you aren't just strippers anymore. You are beacons of free speech, defenders of democracy, and you must never let your important messages, expressed via a complex set of impressionistic movements and minimally-jiggly fake titties, to be hindered in any way from reaching the public consciousness. These are such important messages, in fact, that you are often tipped for them. I mean, how often are we stuffing dollar bills down the belts of our Congress men and women, or even our religious leaders? (Then again, I'm pretty sure most of them aren't above excepting money in such a manner.)


Apparently the Texas legislature does not see the important First Amendment ramifications here. I mean, I understand that the gradual disrobing is actually a metaphor for our own slowly stripped away rights to privacy in this post-9/11 world. I get it. Although I still haven't figured out the symbolism of the schoolgirl outfit. Then again, maybe a schoolgirl outfit is just a schoolgirl outfit.

So Candy, grind on the groin of that dollar-bill clutching gentleman this evening, and don't forget to whisper something all hot and sexy about the unconstitutionality of this accursed tax. It might just teach him something.

It’s Crystal Clear, McAllen, TX is the place to be

For those who never had the pleasure of visiting McAllen, rest assure, you are not missing much.

I went home for Thanksgiving. This was the first time in several years that I have been home for Thanksgiving. It was nice. I had a good time, for the most part. Went to the border and did some fishing and drinking. Was supposed to do a fishing photo shoot (hence the reason for being on the border fishing), but it was too overcast so we just hung out, drank and fished. Good times. I don’t know anyone in McAllen, since my parents moved while I was already in college, so it was nice to go and do something with my dad and some of his friends. The shoot was actually for a local fishing magazine my dad's friend puts out.

This is not about my trip home or my fishing trip on the Texas/Mexico border. This is about a trip to a flea market in McAllen, TX.


Now, again, I am not from McAllen. My parents moved there when my dad got a new job. So basically, when I go home, I sit around with my parents and watch tv. I don’t have any high school buddies to hang out with and I don’t really know the area that well so I don’t go anywhere by myself. Which is fine by me…for the most part. It’s nice being with my parents, but sometimes boring.

Anyway, when I got back from Mexico on Saturday (again, another story for another blog) I decided to go exploring. Truth be told, I wanted to go to a local CD store. Not like a Best Buy, more of a Ralph’s Records type place. So, I was driving around, trying to find any stores, basically getting lost, until finally I found a little flea market type place. They had records so I figured I would see what they had. Keep in mind McAllen is pretty close to the border, so there are a lot of Hispanics there; most people speak Spanish; when I go home I feel like the minority. So I was not surprised to find mainly Hispanic/Mexican/etc music.

But I did find something that tickled my fancy:


Fucking Crystal Pepsi! A six pack of it was sitting in a old fridge they have in the back of the shop. I was blown away. This stuff must be so old. I was about twelve when Crystal Pepsi came out. I remember me and my friend used to ride our bikes to Albertsons and buy so much of this stuff. From what I remember it did not taste too good, and definitely did not taste like Pepsi.

I then remembered the awesome commercials. The ones that had the "Right Now," song by Van Halen.





I wanted to buy them. I dont know if I would have tried them, but still I think it would something cool to have around. Now, they did not have a price on them so I had to ask someone. The guy running the store told me I had to buy the whole six pack (which I expected) and he told me it was $20.

Twenty fucking dollars for a six pack of Crystal Clear Pepsi!!! Are you kidding me? I mean its probably not even safe to drink anymore and he wanted twenty dollars! I could not believe it. He said it was a collectors item now and the six pack was supposedly one of the first to arrive in McAllen. Right. Even if that was true, I do not see how that would warrant charging $20 for a six pack of nearly 15=year-old soda. As much as I would have liked to have them, I could not justify paying so much. Plus, I only had $5 cash and they did not take credit cards.


On a side note, while searching YouTube for Crystal Pepsi commercials I found these, ads for "new" coke starring Bill Cosby:






Classic stuff. And to think, I just thought Bill Cosby did commercials for pudding and pudding pops.

Also, does anyone remember Max Headroom? He used to freak me the hell out. But he also did a coke commercial: