Positive Drug Stories

Comedian Bill Hicks had this great bit about never hearing any positive drug stories in the news. You only hear about the dipshits who get really high and jump off a building thinking they'll be able to fly. Here's the transcript:

"You never see positive drug stories on the news, do you? Isn't that weird, since most of the experiences I've had on drugs were real fucking positive. Who are these morons they're finding, that's what I want to know...always that same LSD story you've all heard - 'Young man on acid thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy.'

What a dick. Fuck him. He's an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground first? Check it out. You don't see ducks lined up to catch elevators to fly south. They fly from the ground you moron. Quit ruining it for everybody! He's a moron. He's dead. Good. We lost a moron. Fuckin' celebrate. Come on, I just felt the world get lighter. We lost a moron, put on the Hammer album, I'm ready to dance!

I dont mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am, so that's the way it comes out.

How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be newsworthy just once, to base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstitions and lies? Just once? I think it would be newsworthy.

'Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves...

...here's Tom with the weather!'"


So that was the transcript from that bit. Now, the drug being discussed in the following story is obviously different, but I thought the Bill Hicks thing still kind of fit. It was a primer, if you will, to the funniest story I've read in quite a while:

The 1 Congressional Softball Team is Drug Policy Reform Group
(From Aug. 2)
WASHINGTON, DC – The One Hitters, a softball team sponsored by Students for Sensible Drug Policy and the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, took over the 1 ranking in the Congressional Softball League last night. The team's 13-3 record has vaulted them to the top of the league, which is made up of Congressional offices, lobbying and consulting firms, non-profit organizations, and local businesses.

Team leaders are especially proud of the ranking, which contradicts negative stereotypes of drug policy reformers as unmotivated "stoners." "The drug policy reform community is made up of dedicated, hardworking people who take the issues of drug abuse and drug prohibition very seriously," said One Hitters captain and SSDP Executive Director Kris Krane. "We take pride in fielding a fun but competitive team that dispels myths and stereotypes about people who care about ending the so called 'War on Drugs.'"

The One Hitters have competed in the league for five years. Two years ago they made national headlines when the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy refused to play a game due to ideological reasons. "Everyone knows that ONDCP backed out because they were scared of losing to us on the field, much the same way they are afraid to debate us because their policies fail in the court of public opinion," said center fielder David Guard, who is associate director of the Drug Reform Coordination Network. "We have an open challenge to the Drug Czar to play or debate anytime, anywhere."


That's awesome. Especially the shit-talking by the center fielder.

Hot Fuck Action TO THE MAX

Sorry for the title. I just wanted some attention today, and I thought a base, sexual quote from Boogie Nights would do the trick. Also, further apologies may be needed because if you were indeed expecting said maximum, piping-hot fuck action, well, you may have to go elsewhere.

Unless of course, your loins ache at the mention of things like:

Executive Privilege
Mmmmmmm...steamy!

Impeachment as a cure to the constitutional crisis in which we find ourselves
Aaaww shit that's hot!

Or even the oh-my-god-its-burning-my-skin-dont-touch-it heat of
No Warrant Eavesdropping Programs


Wet yet? Sure you are. I know you get off on that shit.

There's so much hardcore fucking of the rule of law right now by the White House that it's mindboggling. However, there is the occasional, sweet, legislative moneyshot delivered via true statesmen (i.e. not politicians) like Dennis Kucinich that occasionally brings hope. Take this scene for example between Rumsfeld and Kucinich:



Extended pornographic metaphors aside now, Rumsfeld's statement about how "if there was [a press strategy] it obviously wasn't very good" is extremely deceptive. That statement, while seeming to be a moment of truth, a moment of admitting to not managing the war well, is not at all what it seems to be. In fact, it is itself part of the White House press strategy - to confuse, to dance around questions, to lay the blame elsewhere over and over again, creating a cycle of confusion that eventually leads to exhaustion among the investigators and, most importantly, confusion and apathy among the people.

Gonzales and now Rumsfeld have created such a mockery of the entire investigation(s), that it is impossible to understand the entire situation, the context of their lies and obfuscations. And considering the television culture and the medium's inablity to address complex issues, mixed with peoples' ever-dwindling attention spans, people simply grow frustrated. But because they cannot understand that it comes from intentional devious motives of the White House and Bush's appointees, I'm concerned that most people will get tired of the mostly-Democratic-led investigations. They will come to see the investigations as political theater, as a mere show fueled by partisan politics. In fact, that's how Tony Snow, other White House spokesmen and party-loyal Republicans are trying to frame the debate.

And the mainstream media continues to portray it as such. I wish people would explain that this is not about Bush or about Cheney. Those who want to get to the truth are not out to get Cheney or Bush. They are concerned for the OFFICE of president and the OFFICE of vice president. The limits of Bush and Cheney's power fell away the day after the collapse of the World Trade Center buildings. They took full advantage of the real fear people felt, and used it to butcher checks and balances and to give themselves powers never before entertained by previous administrations.

I wish one Democrat would stand up and ask Republicans how they will feel when Hillary is able to wiretap American citizens without a warrant. I can certainly tell you that Fox News would take up their torches and practically incite a riot outside the White House. They wouldn't allow Clinton to frame the debate so that it's about "protecting us from terrorists."

But, getting back to my point, that's what it's about - maintaining the delicate balance of federal power and the integrity of the constitution.

But also, to me, it's about being able to fucking believe in something. And that brings me to the troops, if you will. I'll preface it by saying that I am not fit for the service. I've always been more of an 'indoor kid,' a reader, a...confused twenty-something trying to find meaning in 21st century America.

That being said, I believe/hope most of the military, especially the young enlistees, genuinely and sincerely fight for their beliefs. They fight for their vision of America. It's true, I believe while some may enlist for financial or career options, many do so because they want to defend a way of life they believe to be the best in the world.

While I may have my own beliefs, I completely support these emotional and genuinely patriotic motivations.

THEREFORE:
We should morally support the troops by employing the utmost skepticism toward their actual combat use. Be fair to their ideals by using them only when the situation is most dire, when our way of life is truly in peril. And unless you are one of the underwhelmingly informed, yet passionately vocal minority, then you are aware that Iraq and Saddam Hussein had absolutely zero to do with the events on 9/11.

Furthermore:
When people say to support the troops via myspace bulletins detailing the hardships of soldiers in Iraq and ask you to repost it if you support the troops, and to not repost it if you don't care, well, that's fucking frustrating and, for lack of a better term, dumb. It lacks the depth of thought required in this situation. It lacks the depth of thought that the troops deserve.

When making the issue of troop support a black and white issue, it does a disservice to those in the military. It's not about either morally supporting or not morally supporting the actual people fighting and dying in Iraq. (A flag decal on your car doesn't get you into heaven.) No, of course we morally support any 18-year old kid or middle aged parent that is willing to put themselves in the way of bullets and explosive-wearing enemies to defend America. The point is to honor not only them, but the sincere visions of America for which they are fighting.

I believe the current adminstration is guilty of not supporting the troops or using them in accord with their reasons for enlistment. They only support them semantically, wielding patriotism as a political weapon while obscuring true patriotism. (Read the facts of Pat Tillman's death and the public relations-motivated coverup, and try and deny what's going on. It was a hell of a story, but it was a lie. And while Tillman can be called a hero, only the truth can do his sacrifice justice. Same thing with Jessica Lynch.)

It is this co-opting of troops' true motivations and struggles for political purposes and wars that I find disgusting and un-American. So support the troops not with mere decals (probably made in China), gung-ho flagwaving or by never saying anything remotely "negative" about their Commander-in-Chief, but instead by paying attention to their mishandling by the powers in charge. Instead of just posting pictures of the brutality and hardships in Iraq, juxtapose those images with the handshakes between war-mongering politicians and the Halliburton contractors as they prepare to reap the benefits of the military-industrial complex.

(By the way, that last term was coined not by some liberal long-hair or far left ruffian, but instead by a Republican president who also happened to be the Supreme Commander of the Allied forces in Europe. Dwight D. Eisenhower. Who, I am told, was hot fuck action to the max.)

Then again, paying attention to shit is hard. Waving a flag and calling the flagless cowards or uncaring is much easier.

I have so much to say...

But I am not going to say it here. At least not yet...

However, I will share some photos. Finally. I know, I have fallen far behind on posting photos here. Actually, I haven't posted any photos at all...unless you count the photo in the header/title area. Enjoy, I am gonna go pat myself on the back for doing something somewhat productive.

Some bike pics I took while helping some students work on a photography assignment:






These were taken for a story on tuition increase that will be in the next Tech Impressions (Not sure which ones will actually be in the magazine, but these are the ones I gave them.):

Spineless, Hell-Bound, Lying Little Shit and the Mirth He Brings

Lately, the most laughs I've had while watching the Daily Show, Colbert Report or other political shows dealing in humor has been the clips of Alberto Gonzales' testimony to Congress. It's like I'm watching myself try and lie to my mom after she catches me sneaking out of the house, even though it's past midnight, I'm fully dressed, and there is a drunk girl at my window with another friend waiting in a running car across the street.

So, I decided I would post longer clips of the "testimony" for anyone who isn't furious that this guy isn't already standing in the unemployment line.

I just can't understand the loyalty Bush's underlings have for him. Or the loyalty they have to Rove and Cheney. In general, the entire culture of loyally defending corruption is mindboggling and brainfuckling.

Without further ado, watch a master dumbass at work.


With Rep. Robert Wexler (D-FL)



Conyers does a good introductary summation before Gonzales starts talking. I like Conyers in this because he's so straightforward and makes so much sense in his questioning that it makes Gonzales' non-answers that much more frustrating.



And lastly, here is a clip of Jon Stewart on Bill Moyers' Journal as he discusses Gonzales' testimony and the larger subject of secrecy and incompetence within the Bush administration. As Moyers says, Stewart is able to "distill the essence of it," and explain to people clearly, and humorously, the attorney firing scandal.

An Open Letter to Nancy Grace

Dear Mrs. Grace,

May I call you Nancy? Thanks.

Nancy, it sure is a crazy world, huh? With all the vein-bursting, roid-raged professional wrestlers committing murder-suicides and the missing, beautiful white women and the so-unquestionably-guilty-we-might-as-well-skip-due process villains out there in the world, how do we ever have time for the little things? The, how do they say, stopping to smell the roses kind of moments.

The reason I write is because frankly Nancy, I'm concerned. I read you and your husband will be blessed with twins in January 2008, and while I wish you, your husband David and the kids all the best, I can't help but lace my well-wishes with points of caution and concern.

But you must excuse me - how rude I have been, not even introducing myself. My name is Josh, longtime viewer, first time letter-writer. I became a fan during your intrepid coverage of the Scott Peterson trial (very important knowledge for the sake of our democracy), and later you drove me to rabid fandom with your tactful interview of Elizabeth Smart. Remember, you invited her on the show to discuss a bill requiring sex offenders to register in their state of residence - but then you kept asking her about her own abduction, grilling her until she actually had to say some nonsense about not appreciating your bringing it up? Man, where does she get off getting in the way of your vicious, interrogative justice? You should have slapped that little bitch.

I'm well aware that we are able to enjoy you and bask in your radiant beams of judicial wisdom but for the tragic twists of fate. I read that your life as a young woman revolved around the written word, namely Shakesperean literature, and your goal was to be an English professor upon graduating college. Yet, life and God had different plans for you. Your fiance was murdered when you were only 19. Enrolling in law school, you must have nearly burned with motivation, your broken heart taking you down a path to law school and ultimately to being a supporter of victims' rights.

You even swore off marriage after his death. But, as you said yourself, life "can take a u turn," and "there is always hope."

And again, before I make my case, I hope you don't think I'm trying to detract from this glorious happiness that's descended upon you. But Nancy how are we to go on without you to guide us? We need you. As does America, the rule of law and...uh, the nation's babies. I know your two kids will obviously need the bittersweet nectar of your rotten teat, but from what will the rest of us be nourished? To what will we press our parched, justice-less lips when you take a leave of absence? We've continued consuming your thick milk of sensationalism for years now, spittle and drool dripping from the sides of our mouths, (cuz we just can't swallow that much justice at once) and dammit Nancy, we're hooked. If you make us take off this bib for too long, well, I can't promise anything. The type of people that watch your show are the kind of people that don't like waiting around for solutions to show up.

All I'm saying is, we're going to get lonely Nancy. And we might get desperate. We might even get angry. And without you to direct our self-righteous indignation, God help us, we might begin to wonder about your own personal life. It's true, perhaps your own husband and twins will become tabloid fodder as well, the very type of lowbrow but often vicious garbage in which you yourself peddle, and that most mainstream media outlets love.

See, you've made a career of boldly and confidently proclaiming baseless opinions and unchecked facts, speculating for the sake of speculation for the sake of ratings. You've spent so much time mastering your mock outrage and sarcastic comments toward anyone willing to express skepticism toward those claims, that I'm sure you're more than ready for a backlash. Right? You know how the mainstream media works. You know that by railing so absurdly against celebrity criminals and celebrity law cases, that you yourself have become an iconic celebrity. And it will be a heavy load to bear if and when you become embroiled in some personal scandal.

Don't be surprised if the hellhounds come salivating at the doorstep of your happiness, media canines rabid and ribald, propelled by the vitriolic context of television dialogue you have spent your career helping to foment. The Ghost of Sensationalism Past, Nancy, does not forget, and so whatever harsh media spotlight comes down on you and your family, don't expect leniency. Don't expect privacy for yourself or restraint from your media colleagues.

However, regardless of whether or not my hyperbolically described karmic retribution comes to pass, know that I will continue to watch you until you take time off from the show. We still care Nancy, and we just want you to be careful. Don't do anything that could get you caught up in the very machinery of ratings-driven, hyper-critical commentary you have been powering for years.

Because we still love you. Even though you got all your facts wrong about wrestler Chris Benoit's career history. Even though one of your interviews ended up making that one guest kill herself. Even though you brutalized all journalistic ethics when covering the Duke Lacrosse case. Even though your approach to guests is beyond rude. Even through it all, we're here for you.

Wishing You all the Best but Not Looking Forward to January 08,

Josh Justice



P.S.
May I suggest, postpartum, following in the path of Joan Rivers? You know, doing a show with your own demon spawn. Perhaps you could do another show for CourtTV and instead of Johnnie Cochran as co-host, use your twin babies? Hell, maybe you could even wait before their craniums are fully developed, you know, how the back of the head is still all soft and malleable. (Those soft spots are called fontanels, by the way, and they allow babies' rather large heads to more easily travel down the birth canal. But hey, you're a smart lady, you probably already knew that.) If the twins are girls, perhaps you could call the show Nancy Grace and the Gracettes. Or is that too soul band-ish? Let me know what you think of the idea. I'd love to work with you on the development of the show!

Coming Soon to a Wal Mart Near Us - Inaction Figures!

A limited number (425) of Wal Mart stores will begin selling Bible "action" (quotations mine) figures in order to test for "interest in faith-based toys." And who woulda thunk it? Lubbock Texas, home of the nationally-known, Chippendale-and-dildo-slaying police force, is one of the lucky guinea pigs.

The Wal Mart on the South Loop will begin carrying one2believe merchandise, but so far only the "Tales of Glory" figurine sets. Here is Noah and the Big Fish:



Seems pretty harmless, yet pretty lame. Fair enough.

But from what I can tell, they will not be carrying the following figures, as they belong to a different line:

This 12" talking Jesus doll


But best of all, check out these bad boys



That picture comes beneath the headline:

"The Battle for the Toy Box!"

I'll never be comfortable with people (fundamentalist, Christians commercializing their religion) turning everything into a battle. Why is everything seen as a battle with these people? It strikes me as very paranoid, uptight and really not healthy to paint everything as good or evil and then put it to a fight.

Here's the one2believe Web site
.

And of course they partner with this asshole and his asshole organization

Mostly I'm just disappointed in their lack of purchasable villains. Would they actually make a sweet Satan action figure, or would they have to anthropomorphize abstract concepts like jealousy, adultery or taking the Lord's name in vain?

They are slated to go on sale August 18.

I really need to capitalize on this commercialization of Christianity. I'm missing out on an incredibly lucrative market. I know South Park joked about that idea when Cartman started a Christian band, pointing out that even if the product is shitty, the idea for the product must obviously have come from God, so how could we dislike it? You almost have to like it, lest you offend your precious, bearded father figure in the sky. Hell, I could sell kitty litter and say it has sparkling, Christian crystals from a holy land that fills your home with the scents of frankincense and myrrh with every dig of your precious feline's paws.

Correction(s)

It's become quite apparent that there is a grave case of mistaken identity crippling our great nation. So, without further ado, this dude:





is not

I repeat

IS NOT

this dude:


(note the latter's more formidable moustache, how it covers his upper lip and curls on the ends)


The first gentleman is Noble Henry Willingham Jr., known best for his 1993-1999 run on Walker, Texas Ranger. (He left the show in 1999 to pursue a career in Congress, specifially to represent Texas' 1st district, but was defeated by Democratic incumbent Max Sandlin.) He also had roles in both City Slickers movies, the Last Boy Scout, and other TV stuff like Home Improvement, etc.

He's dead now.

The second dude is Wilford Brimley. You may know him from Cocoon, The Natural, or even this made-for-tv Star Wars movie which I haven't seen, mercifully.



Brimley also valiantly promotes eating your oatmeal and "to check your blood sugar, and check it often". He also loves a good cockfight, as evidenced by his opposition to any laws banning cockfighting. And, as far as imdb.com and I know, Brimley has been in only one episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. Whether he battled Walker in some facial hair cage match is unknown by this intrepid young blogger. As I have not seen episode 15 of season 3, I also do not know if Willingham and Brimley ever shared screen time. If anyone has seen this, or happens to own the complete box set of the series, please let me know. Seriously.

And unlike Willingham, Brimley is not dead. However, the insidious combination of diabetes and attendace to cockfights may make that tragic day not too far off.

So, in conclusion, Noble Willingham is not Wilford Brimley. Nobody is Wilford Brimley, maybe not even Wilford Brimley.


How is Wilford Brimley not himself?