So, I watch professional wrestling...wanna fight about it?

I was watching “Universal Soldier” (starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren) the other night. I forgot how fucking awesome this movie was/is. I realized that Dolph Lundgren is really the main star, despite what others say. I mean come on, the man was in “Universal Soldier”, boxed Rocky Balboa in “Rocky IV” (note: he also killed a dude in a boxing match in this movie), and played He-Man in “Masters of the Universe.” He played He-Man for fuck sake! Not many actors can say they played He-Man, actually none can except Dolph. I mean this guy is an ultimate badass. Therefore, I have decided to blog about him…

But this is not that blog.


Because I want to do him justice, I have been doing some research. Part of my research has included other people he been in movies with. Since Jean-Claude Van Damme was in “Universal Soldier,” I have started with him; also, I think Dolph would have been much better in “Universal Soldier: The Return” – I saw this movie in the theater with my father, it was a great bonding moment when the few people in the theater (another father/son group and a group of frat-college dudes) cheered when Goldberg speared someone. (starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bill Goldberg…yeah, the wrestler).

Come to think about it, I also think Dolph Lundgren would have been better in “Bloodsport,” too.

I lost a little respect for Jean-Claude Van Damme while looking through his list of movies on IMDB.com. Actually, I lost a lot of respect. I tried to forget about a particular movie he did. A movie called “Double Team.” A movie that sounds cool when you hear the title, but then you see who’s in it: Dennis Rodman.



Yes, the same wedding dress wearing, radically hair dying, Carmen Electra marrying, arm and leg flinging while rebounding, Dennis Rodman.

I am sorry, Dennis Rodman should not act. I made the mistake of seeing this movie, it was awful.

Upon loosing respect for Van Damme for co-starring with Dennis Rodman, I then remembered Rodman’s short wrestling career. Yeah, you can add wrestling superstar to Rodman’s long list of wacky antics. He had a brief stint in WCW (World Championship Wreslting for you non-wreslting people) as a member of the nWo (new World order – I have no idea why they felt the “W” had to capitalized and the “n” and “o” lowercase, but whatever.) He tag teamed with Hulk (Hollywood Hulk during his nWo days) Hogan. The faced the team of Diamond Dallas Page (DDP) and another NBA star, Karl Malone.



Rodman also had a feud with Macho Man Randy Savage (for those that follow wrestling – I am not sure if this feud occurred while Savage was a member of the nWo Wolfpack or not).



Sorry for the video, but it was all I could find.

Anyway, I thought this would be a good side blog until I finish the one about Dolph Lundgren. It should be good. Actually, I know it will be good. Also, I was happy to relive wresting memories, even if they do involve Dennis Rodman. I wonder what "The Worm" is up to these days anyway...

We've Been Watching Wrestling Videos Again...

I reprint here, for your consideration as our new national anthem, Hulk Hogan's theme song, "Real American." Keep in mind that legislation would be passed to require an enemy combatant receive an irish whip, boot to the face, and leg drop during every public rendition. (I realize that's probably pretty unreasonable, but let's pretend that we live in a future world where guantanamo prisoners are rented out for purposes like these, in order to fund more anti-terrorist, baby-saving surveillance technologies. See, basically, the private sector would be introduced to guantanamo, and corporations could use prisoners as slave labor, Hollywood stunt doubles, legdrop recipients, etc.) (Or maybe we could just legdrop a liberal, because Ann Coulter says they're pretty much the same as a terrorist.)

Sorry for the near-tangential prologue there. Moving on...

(Read it aloud, with gusto; it'll keep those "colors from running.")

I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

When it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside,
ya' gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide,
Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride,
I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide,
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

I feel strong about right and wrong,
And I don't take trouble for very long,
I got something deep inside of me, and courage is the thing that keeps us free,
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

Well you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride,
I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide,
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!



I consider it a major military and foreign policy blunder by Bush that he did not declare "Real American" the new anthem on September 14 as he famously stood on that pile of rubble. When he addressed the workers via bullhorn and said "I can hear you. The rest of the world hears you. And the people who knocked down these buildings will hear all of us soon," he should have added "and they'll also hear this sweet Rick Derringer tune about being a real american. And it's gonna be fucking loud, too," the workers responding with a resounding, energetic and fluctuating chant of "USA, USA! Hogan, Hogan! USA, USA!"

And let's face it, that Francis Scott Key shit-spangled banner song or whatever is sooo 1800s. It's your fucking grandpappy's anthem, and we need a powerful, hip young message that lets the evildoers know we're not gonna let shit slide. Oh no, "when it comes crashing down...we fight for what's right," even if we're not totally sure what that is. (Although, I've been told it's the right to buy a shitload of flags and suddenly rediscover blind patriotism as a replacement for political awareness and participation in democracy.)


Come on America, get your shit together, quit being a pussy, and write your congressman to tell them the next time you put your right hand over your heart, you want to be singing this: