Why did none of you bastards tell me about this Vanilla Ice project?

Or maybe one night after a few drinks you tried, and I just wasn't having it. If so, I'm deeply, deeply sorry and wish I'd known about this sooner. Your philanthropic movie suggestions will be astutely followed from now on.


Moving on to the topic at hand: All I can say is, "What the fuck is this?"


And don't comment on here telling me what the title of the film is from whence this clip comes. Okay? I already know that. It's "Cool as Ice" starring Vanilla Ice. What I mean is perhaps more rhetorical, philosophical even. What the fuck is this? Like, ontologically speaking. Because this shit is ripping apart the fabric of my reality here.

Plot, as quoted from wikipedia: Johnny (Ice) is a freewheeling, motorcycle-riding musician who rolls into a small town with his band, and meets Kathy, an honor student who catches his eye. Meanwhile, Kathy's father, after being in the Witness Protection Program, is finally found by the two corrupt cops he escaped from years ago, who claim he owes them a lot of money.

Tagline: When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.

So it's basically a Vanilla Ice music video padded with a romantic plot. Now, at first I thought maybe it would be cool to go on a date with Vanilla Ice. You know, he's a good talker, an even better dresser, and his haircut decisions display a bold, almost courageous dedication to unbridled individualism in an age wary and suspicious of such. But then I realized, who wants to go on a date to a potentially dangerous construction site and run around like idiots and make funny faces to godawful dance music?

Sorry, I'm jumping the gun here. You haven't even watched it yet.

But christ on a delicious campfire smore! The never-ending, Vanilla Ice-soundtracked, romantic montage collapses time and space into a dense molecular ball of painfully hilarious energy delivered right to the soul. (i want that sentence to be quoted as a movie review on the back of the dvd packaging. Hey Universal studios, any chance of that? No charge! I just want to help.)

Truly, it's the Cadillac of filmic montage - Riding a horse in a green, sunny prairie? Check. Riding a motorcycle on the beach? Check. Playfully drenching one another with a garden hose until both kiss in a giggly embrace? Fucking check. Dancing in the desert, backlit by the setting sun? One blonde-haired and wind-swept Vanilla Ice check to you too, my friend.

9-minute clip. Long, but worth every second.


Bit of trivia: Cinematography was by Janusz Kaminski, who later became the much-lauded regular cinematographer on Steven Spielberg's movies from "Schindler's List" onwards.

And yes, it's okay to laugh at that.