Why did none of you bastards tell me about this Vanilla Ice project?

Or maybe one night after a few drinks you tried, and I just wasn't having it. If so, I'm deeply, deeply sorry and wish I'd known about this sooner. Your philanthropic movie suggestions will be astutely followed from now on.


Moving on to the topic at hand: All I can say is, "What the fuck is this?"


And don't comment on here telling me what the title of the film is from whence this clip comes. Okay? I already know that. It's "Cool as Ice" starring Vanilla Ice. What I mean is perhaps more rhetorical, philosophical even. What the fuck is this? Like, ontologically speaking. Because this shit is ripping apart the fabric of my reality here.

Plot, as quoted from wikipedia: Johnny (Ice) is a freewheeling, motorcycle-riding musician who rolls into a small town with his band, and meets Kathy, an honor student who catches his eye. Meanwhile, Kathy's father, after being in the Witness Protection Program, is finally found by the two corrupt cops he escaped from years ago, who claim he owes them a lot of money.

Tagline: When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.

So it's basically a Vanilla Ice music video padded with a romantic plot. Now, at first I thought maybe it would be cool to go on a date with Vanilla Ice. You know, he's a good talker, an even better dresser, and his haircut decisions display a bold, almost courageous dedication to unbridled individualism in an age wary and suspicious of such. But then I realized, who wants to go on a date to a potentially dangerous construction site and run around like idiots and make funny faces to godawful dance music?

Sorry, I'm jumping the gun here. You haven't even watched it yet.

But christ on a delicious campfire smore! The never-ending, Vanilla Ice-soundtracked, romantic montage collapses time and space into a dense molecular ball of painfully hilarious energy delivered right to the soul. (i want that sentence to be quoted as a movie review on the back of the dvd packaging. Hey Universal studios, any chance of that? No charge! I just want to help.)

Truly, it's the Cadillac of filmic montage - Riding a horse in a green, sunny prairie? Check. Riding a motorcycle on the beach? Check. Playfully drenching one another with a garden hose until both kiss in a giggly embrace? Fucking check. Dancing in the desert, backlit by the setting sun? One blonde-haired and wind-swept Vanilla Ice check to you too, my friend.

9-minute clip. Long, but worth every second.


Bit of trivia: Cinematography was by Janusz Kaminski, who later became the much-lauded regular cinematographer on Steven Spielberg's movies from "Schindler's List" onwards.

And yes, it's okay to laugh at that.

What, two blogs in one day?...Someone must be bored at work.

Actually, I have a ton of shit to do. I just don't want to do it. There is NOTHING going on here today, which means I will probably leave soon.

I found this while looking at Engadget:

Wii used to hone surgeons' fine motor skills (click to read full story)

Now either this is a very genius idea or a very bad and scary idea. I mean I have played a lot of Wii games and I could see how this could be useful. My father, an Orthopedic Surgeon, has even played with a Wii and mentioned something along the lines of seeing this rigged to be used for "practice surgeries."

I would like to play with the Wii attachments they came up with for this though.

Don't get me wrong, this could be a great idea, however I would not want a doctor who was about to perform surgery on me to tell me something like "Don't worry kid, I just performed this surgery on the Wii and I got a 97% score." That would totally make me feel comfortable. If they do tell their patients something like that, I recommend they wait until the patient is already sedated on the operating table and counting backwards from ten.

Here is a link to the story on The Wall Street Journal.

Brilliant chess master, world-class eccentric Bobby Fischer dies

Some may have heard, some wont care, but...from CNN:

"Chess master Bobby Fischer, one of the greatest chess players in history, has died, a spokesman for the World Chess Federation confirmed to CNN Friday. He was 64."



"Story Highlights

• Chess master was first world champion from United States

• He defeated Boris Spassky in epic 1972 match with Cold War overtones

• Fischer known later in life for anti-Semitic, anti-U.S. remarks

• Fischer renounced U.S. citizenship, became citizen of Iceland in 2005"

"In recent years, Fischer became better known for his outspoken criticism of the United States. Interviewed by a Philippines radio station hours after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, he allegedly called reports of a plane hitting the Pentagon "wonderful news" and said American foreign policy had provoked the attacks."

Honestly, I am sad about this. He was a brilliant man. Regardless of his Anti-American or Anti-Anti-Semitic remarks, the man was great at what he did. He was a chess genius. I have never played chess, it is to confusing to me. There are too many possibilities, too many scenarios, too many things you have to plan ahead for. And from what I can tell, you have no idea what your opponent could do, what move he will make next. Well, with all that in mind, Bobby Fischer reached level of grand master when he was only 15.

Here are a few video clips I found of/about Bobby Fischer:











One of my favorite movies to this day is "Searching for Bobby Fischer."




I used to watch this movie all the time. I still watch it at least once a month. Even if you are not a fan of chess or Bobby Fischer, you need to watch this movie.

The Disintegrator

I want to get one of these for work to use on students that piss me off.



From Engadget:
"You've gotta admire folks who bring their trade to a whole new level, even if that does mean escalating the international arms race between builders of automated, wooden, rubber band miniguns. The 24-barrel, tripod-mountable monster you see above, lovingly known as the Disintegrator, was rather amazingly hand-carved and assembled by Anthony Smith of the UK, who spent four months on the ambitious build. Unlike your dinky little six-shooter, this model boasts a 288-band capacity and 40-round-per-second firing capability, making it one of the most dangerous weapons to remain unbanned by the TSA."

Here is a video of it in action:


More information and pictures here.

The Perfect Product for the Modern, On-the-Go, American Woman

Too bad I didn't know about this before the holiday season, otherwise our prodigious female readership/fanbase would have scored a sweet new gift for their dangerous 2008 adventures.

Check it out! The new iTaser:



And notice the hot colors that must obviously appeal to the targeted feminine demographic.

Come on ladies, how could you not want that leopard print mp3 player/taser?

From the Guardian (includes video of woman testing it out):

Arizona-based Taser International sells the handheld stun guns under the rather hyperbolic banner of "Changing the World and Protecting Lives". It maintains that the iTaser "allows for both personal protection and personal music for people on the go".

According to Rick Smith, founder of the company, "personal protection can be both fashionable and functionable".

I imagine it would be rather surreal to tase the piss out of someone (yes, that really happens) while listening to Leonard Cohen or, imagining something even stranger, "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show" by Neil Diamond. Really, it's kind of fun to imagine what one could listen to while dropping someone to their knees with 50,000 volts of very sexy and always fashionable electricity.

But ladies, the more I think about this combination of technologies, how can you hear your attacker if you're listening to that hot new jam from Birdman and Lil' Wayne? Then again, since you ladies are more attuned to the likes of Damien Rice and Regina Spektor, maybe you can still hear the pitter-patter of ruffian footsteps over that soft pap.

What would actually be a lot cooler is if it not only tased the person, but it then broadcast whatever mp3 the lady was listening to via a built-in speaker so the "tasee" would never again be able listen to that song without pissing his pants.

When are they going to make one for men? And I don't mean just men, but MEN. Yeah, like, can I get one with some trucks or tractors or my favorite Nascar driver's number on there? Or maybe a bikini-clad broad holding an assault rifle and petting a pit bull? Fuck yeah! Get on that shit, Taser International, and fast!

REAL ID coming to a Department of Public Safety/Transportation Near You!!

Well, it looks like the terrorists have won again.

From cnn.com, "Tighter driver's license rules coming out. Americans born after Dec. 1, 1964, will have to get more secure driver's licenses in the next six years under ambitious post-9/11 security rules to be unveiled Friday by federal officials."

This is not "new" news though. Apparently, Congress passed the law about this "secure ID initiative" back in 2005. Now the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has decided to plan a deadline in 2011.

It seems that every "post-9/11" tactic proposed by the DHS seems to make us that more susceptible to another major terrorist attack. Think about it, this department was created in response to the attacks on 9/11. They continue to do things to better our lives and increase our security to prevent another 9/11-like tragedy; but in reality everything they do just shows how afraid of terrorism this nation has become. My dad always says the terrorists won not because of how many people they killed and continue to kill in the war, but because of how terrified they have made out nation to do anything and how much extra time it now takes to go anywhere and do anything because of all the added security. This REAL ID is a perfect example of this.

Now before I continue, I was to talk briefly about the term "post 9/11." It seems everything now has that attached to it. It is such a bullshit term. I mean I am sick of hearing it everywhere; and with all the presidential-candidate debates, it seems like we hear it more and more everyday. You don't hear things referred to before 9/11 as "pre-9/11;" for example, I graduated from high school in 1999, does that mean I graduated "pre-9/11" or in a "pre-9/11 world?" Can we stop using this term. Yes, we are in a "post-9/11" world. But we are also in a post-dinosaur world.

Now back to this REAL ID. Back in 2005, when the law was first passed the original idea was to put a microchip in the ID. That would mean when you carry your driver's license the government will know exactly where you are at any given time. This chip would also carry finger print information, health information, nationality, etc.

Notice the chip would include your nationality. Yup you guessed it, the second "target" in this REAL ID Act is illegal immigrants.

Now don't fret. This REAL ID is being challenged by many states and has been since it was first introduced in 2005. The original plan was for this to begin taking effect in 2008/2009. However because of stiff opposition from civil liberties groups and many states the new deadline is 2011. And according to CNN, "by 2014, anyone seeking to board an airplane or enter a federal building would have to present a REAL ID-compliant driver's license, with the notable exception of those more than 50 years old, Homeland Security officials said."

So, basically it seems like 50+ year-old people get a "go straight to 'GO' card and collect $200" or something like that. Can't a 50 yr old person still be considered a terrorist? Apparently the giant military men at the Lubbock airport think they can; last summer when I flew home I noticed security felt the need to pull an old lady, who had to be at least in her sixties, aside after the normal security check and give her the "wand treatment" and go through her carry on more closely. I stood there and watched this happen. It was amazing that someone could possibly pull her "randomly" out of all the other people coming through the security gate. I'll tell you one thing, while I was walking by I saw about three or four "questionable" individuals that DID NOT get "randomly" pulled aside for a further security check.

OH WAIT, CNN further explains:
"The over-50 exemption was created to give states more time to get everyone new licenses, and officials say the risk of someone in that age group being a terrorist, illegal immigrant or con artist is much less. By 2017, even those over 50 must have a REAL ID-compliant card to board a plane."

For some reason, I really want to see a rise in 50+ yr old illegal immigrants and terrorists. I am not saying I want to see more people die, I just want to see our government humiliated and proven wrong...again.


More about the REAL ID plan:

" - The traditional driver's license photograph would be taken at the beginning of the application instead of the end so that should someone be rejected for failure to prove identity and citizenship, the applicant's photo would be kept on file and checked in the future if that person attempted to con the system again.

- The cards will have three layers of security measures but will not contain microchips as some had expected. States will be able to choose from a menu which security measures they will put in their cards.

- Over the next year, the government expects all states to begin checking both the Social Security numbers and immigration status of license applicants."

Now, I guess I was wrong with this, but I thought when you renewed your driver's license you had to show your social security card.

I really hope this does not pass. I found a video about this, in it DHS's Michael Chertoff claims another "9/11" will happen without REAL ID. (There is a really loud audio clip at the very end, I apologize.)


The 11 billion cost in the video is part of the opposition from states. In the CNN article, "in order to make the plan more appealing to cost-conscious states, federal authorities drastically reduced the expected cost from $14.6 billion to $3.9 billion, a 73 percent decline, according to Homeland Security officials familiar with the plan."

Either way you look at this, it is a bad idea. But sadly it looks like by 2017 we will all have a REAL ID.

What a better time to move to Canada while continuing to live in this post-dinosaur world.