Life regrets and my ever-growing depression

Have you ever had a time in your life when you start regretting all the things you have done in the past few years...maybe even most of your life.

Well, that’s how the last week and a half have been for me.

Things seemed to be somewhat looking good. I was really looking forward to getting on with life after Tech. Although I wasn’t sure where I was going, I knew I was going to be leaving in December/January. I was ready. Ready for something new. Ready for that next stage in my life. OK, well maybe I wasn’t totally ready, but I knew I had to leave or else I would be staying around much longer.

I was not sure what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew getting out of Lubbock would at least get me going in some direction. I have become somewhat comfortable and am no longer “challenging” myself to find something better.

So, things were going good. I had a plan. A very basic plan, but a plan nonetheless. To get out of Lubbock. My future would be uncertain, but Dallas was promising with several people I know living there and hope they can get me some type of employment.



My plans are somewhat slamming hard into a proverbial brick wall.

I do not know what to do anymore. I am starting to regret so much of what I have done with my life over the last few years. Especially since graduating from college.

I graduated in May 2004. I had signed a lease so I was stuck in Lubbock for at least a year. I got a bartending job and also fell into a job at Tech (mainly because I was available and someone else got sick and was going to be out for a long time.) At this point, I had no plans to stay after my lease was up. I would move, probably back to San Antonio and seek employment, trying to put my college degree to work.

Well, after that first year at Tech, they decided that I made enough of an impression that they needed to create a full-time position for what I was doing. So, although I was already doing the job, I had to apply for the position. I did. And I got the job (It would have been really bad had I not gotten the job since I was already doing it.) Again, I never planned on staying this long. But they kept giving me more money. So, I stayed.

Now, had I known I was going to stay at Tech this long, I should have gotten my Masters. I never planned on getting it, but if I knew I would be at a place for this long, I would have gotten it.

Well, it is now October 2007. A little over three years since I graduated from college. And I am still at Tech. Still working the same job. Still not knowing what exactly to do, but knowing I really should get out of Lubbock.

My plan, until about a few weeks ago, was to leave in December/January and move. More than likely to Dallas, at least for a few years. Then maybe to Portland.

But now, things have changed. I have been having major car problems. And In June, my parents finally decided I need something new. Well, I did not disagree. The plan was for my dad to help with the down payment and I would make monthly payments. Fine. I knew I would be getting a second job soon anyway to help save money, but now it would be to help with car payment too.

Well, about a week ago I got a new car. Finally. And its not that I don’t like it, I do, but the payments…the payments are really something I can’t afford. I mean I can, barely, but I would not be saving anything for when I do finally move. If I move.

Well, this is where the “fun” has begun. (Well, this is where my depression gets worse.)

So, my dad has been pushing me to go back to school to get a Masters. After the last few semesters, I have begun to think I might like to teach. I have been helping out the photography studio class the last few semesters (some may say I have been pretty much teaching the class).

AND...with a new car payment, my dad is really pushing me to stay at Tech and get my Masters from here and keep my full-time job.

Which, in reality, is probably the best option. I mean, I know everyone at Mass Comm. I know all the professors I would have. I would still have a full-time job. Plus, after 18 hours I could teach. (And given the status of the photo classes at Tech, I would probably teach.)

Plus, as a full-time employee, I would get one free class a semester.

But, with working full time, it would take me about three years to finish. That would make me 30 years old.

And still in Lubbock. With nothing more than I have now, except a Master’s Degree.

I really have no idea what to do. I have been talking to a few professors at Mass Comm. and they say I should go for it. “It“ being getting a Masters.

But I don’t know if I can stand being in Lubbock that much longer. But with all my new payments (car, insurance, etc) having a guaranteed paycheck every month sure would come in handy.

Basically, this is my cry for help. I don’t know who to talk to or what to do.