Positive Drug Stories

Comedian Bill Hicks had this great bit about never hearing any positive drug stories in the news. You only hear about the dipshits who get really high and jump off a building thinking they'll be able to fly. Here's the transcript:

"You never see positive drug stories on the news, do you? Isn't that weird, since most of the experiences I've had on drugs were real fucking positive. Who are these morons they're finding, that's what I want to know...always that same LSD story you've all heard - 'Young man on acid thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy.'

What a dick. Fuck him. He's an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground first? Check it out. You don't see ducks lined up to catch elevators to fly south. They fly from the ground you moron. Quit ruining it for everybody! He's a moron. He's dead. Good. We lost a moron. Fuckin' celebrate. Come on, I just felt the world get lighter. We lost a moron, put on the Hammer album, I'm ready to dance!

I dont mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am, so that's the way it comes out.

How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be newsworthy just once, to base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstitions and lies? Just once? I think it would be newsworthy.

'Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves...

...here's Tom with the weather!'"


So that was the transcript from that bit. Now, the drug being discussed in the following story is obviously different, but I thought the Bill Hicks thing still kind of fit. It was a primer, if you will, to the funniest story I've read in quite a while:

The 1 Congressional Softball Team is Drug Policy Reform Group
(From Aug. 2)
WASHINGTON, DC – The One Hitters, a softball team sponsored by Students for Sensible Drug Policy and the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, took over the 1 ranking in the Congressional Softball League last night. The team's 13-3 record has vaulted them to the top of the league, which is made up of Congressional offices, lobbying and consulting firms, non-profit organizations, and local businesses.

Team leaders are especially proud of the ranking, which contradicts negative stereotypes of drug policy reformers as unmotivated "stoners." "The drug policy reform community is made up of dedicated, hardworking people who take the issues of drug abuse and drug prohibition very seriously," said One Hitters captain and SSDP Executive Director Kris Krane. "We take pride in fielding a fun but competitive team that dispels myths and stereotypes about people who care about ending the so called 'War on Drugs.'"

The One Hitters have competed in the league for five years. Two years ago they made national headlines when the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy refused to play a game due to ideological reasons. "Everyone knows that ONDCP backed out because they were scared of losing to us on the field, much the same way they are afraid to debate us because their policies fail in the court of public opinion," said center fielder David Guard, who is associate director of the Drug Reform Coordination Network. "We have an open challenge to the Drug Czar to play or debate anytime, anywhere."


That's awesome. Especially the shit-talking by the center fielder.