An Open Letter to Nancy Grace

Dear Mrs. Grace,

May I call you Nancy? Thanks.

Nancy, it sure is a crazy world, huh? With all the vein-bursting, roid-raged professional wrestlers committing murder-suicides and the missing, beautiful white women and the so-unquestionably-guilty-we-might-as-well-skip-due process villains out there in the world, how do we ever have time for the little things? The, how do they say, stopping to smell the roses kind of moments.

The reason I write is because frankly Nancy, I'm concerned. I read you and your husband will be blessed with twins in January 2008, and while I wish you, your husband David and the kids all the best, I can't help but lace my well-wishes with points of caution and concern.

But you must excuse me - how rude I have been, not even introducing myself. My name is Josh, longtime viewer, first time letter-writer. I became a fan during your intrepid coverage of the Scott Peterson trial (very important knowledge for the sake of our democracy), and later you drove me to rabid fandom with your tactful interview of Elizabeth Smart. Remember, you invited her on the show to discuss a bill requiring sex offenders to register in their state of residence - but then you kept asking her about her own abduction, grilling her until she actually had to say some nonsense about not appreciating your bringing it up? Man, where does she get off getting in the way of your vicious, interrogative justice? You should have slapped that little bitch.

I'm well aware that we are able to enjoy you and bask in your radiant beams of judicial wisdom but for the tragic twists of fate. I read that your life as a young woman revolved around the written word, namely Shakesperean literature, and your goal was to be an English professor upon graduating college. Yet, life and God had different plans for you. Your fiance was murdered when you were only 19. Enrolling in law school, you must have nearly burned with motivation, your broken heart taking you down a path to law school and ultimately to being a supporter of victims' rights.

You even swore off marriage after his death. But, as you said yourself, life "can take a u turn," and "there is always hope."

And again, before I make my case, I hope you don't think I'm trying to detract from this glorious happiness that's descended upon you. But Nancy how are we to go on without you to guide us? We need you. As does America, the rule of law and...uh, the nation's babies. I know your two kids will obviously need the bittersweet nectar of your rotten teat, but from what will the rest of us be nourished? To what will we press our parched, justice-less lips when you take a leave of absence? We've continued consuming your thick milk of sensationalism for years now, spittle and drool dripping from the sides of our mouths, (cuz we just can't swallow that much justice at once) and dammit Nancy, we're hooked. If you make us take off this bib for too long, well, I can't promise anything. The type of people that watch your show are the kind of people that don't like waiting around for solutions to show up.

All I'm saying is, we're going to get lonely Nancy. And we might get desperate. We might even get angry. And without you to direct our self-righteous indignation, God help us, we might begin to wonder about your own personal life. It's true, perhaps your own husband and twins will become tabloid fodder as well, the very type of lowbrow but often vicious garbage in which you yourself peddle, and that most mainstream media outlets love.

See, you've made a career of boldly and confidently proclaiming baseless opinions and unchecked facts, speculating for the sake of speculation for the sake of ratings. You've spent so much time mastering your mock outrage and sarcastic comments toward anyone willing to express skepticism toward those claims, that I'm sure you're more than ready for a backlash. Right? You know how the mainstream media works. You know that by railing so absurdly against celebrity criminals and celebrity law cases, that you yourself have become an iconic celebrity. And it will be a heavy load to bear if and when you become embroiled in some personal scandal.

Don't be surprised if the hellhounds come salivating at the doorstep of your happiness, media canines rabid and ribald, propelled by the vitriolic context of television dialogue you have spent your career helping to foment. The Ghost of Sensationalism Past, Nancy, does not forget, and so whatever harsh media spotlight comes down on you and your family, don't expect leniency. Don't expect privacy for yourself or restraint from your media colleagues.

However, regardless of whether or not my hyperbolically described karmic retribution comes to pass, know that I will continue to watch you until you take time off from the show. We still care Nancy, and we just want you to be careful. Don't do anything that could get you caught up in the very machinery of ratings-driven, hyper-critical commentary you have been powering for years.

Because we still love you. Even though you got all your facts wrong about wrestler Chris Benoit's career history. Even though one of your interviews ended up making that one guest kill herself. Even though you brutalized all journalistic ethics when covering the Duke Lacrosse case. Even though your approach to guests is beyond rude. Even through it all, we're here for you.

Wishing You all the Best but Not Looking Forward to January 08,

Josh Justice



P.S.
May I suggest, postpartum, following in the path of Joan Rivers? You know, doing a show with your own demon spawn. Perhaps you could do another show for CourtTV and instead of Johnnie Cochran as co-host, use your twin babies? Hell, maybe you could even wait before their craniums are fully developed, you know, how the back of the head is still all soft and malleable. (Those soft spots are called fontanels, by the way, and they allow babies' rather large heads to more easily travel down the birth canal. But hey, you're a smart lady, you probably already knew that.) If the twins are girls, perhaps you could call the show Nancy Grace and the Gracettes. Or is that too soul band-ish? Let me know what you think of the idea. I'd love to work with you on the development of the show!