Coming Soon to a Wal Mart Near Us - Inaction Figures!

A limited number (425) of Wal Mart stores will begin selling Bible "action" (quotations mine) figures in order to test for "interest in faith-based toys." And who woulda thunk it? Lubbock Texas, home of the nationally-known, Chippendale-and-dildo-slaying police force, is one of the lucky guinea pigs.

The Wal Mart on the South Loop will begin carrying one2believe merchandise, but so far only the "Tales of Glory" figurine sets. Here is Noah and the Big Fish:



Seems pretty harmless, yet pretty lame. Fair enough.

But from what I can tell, they will not be carrying the following figures, as they belong to a different line:

This 12" talking Jesus doll


But best of all, check out these bad boys



That picture comes beneath the headline:

"The Battle for the Toy Box!"

I'll never be comfortable with people (fundamentalist, Christians commercializing their religion) turning everything into a battle. Why is everything seen as a battle with these people? It strikes me as very paranoid, uptight and really not healthy to paint everything as good or evil and then put it to a fight.

Here's the one2believe Web site
.

And of course they partner with this asshole and his asshole organization

Mostly I'm just disappointed in their lack of purchasable villains. Would they actually make a sweet Satan action figure, or would they have to anthropomorphize abstract concepts like jealousy, adultery or taking the Lord's name in vain?

They are slated to go on sale August 18.

I really need to capitalize on this commercialization of Christianity. I'm missing out on an incredibly lucrative market. I know South Park joked about that idea when Cartman started a Christian band, pointing out that even if the product is shitty, the idea for the product must obviously have come from God, so how could we dislike it? You almost have to like it, lest you offend your precious, bearded father figure in the sky. Hell, I could sell kitty litter and say it has sparkling, Christian crystals from a holy land that fills your home with the scents of frankincense and myrrh with every dig of your precious feline's paws.