No, Not Gay Bombs. Gay Billyclubs.

I consider myself a pretty jaded person a lot of times. But I continue to be inspired by the imagination of Fox News. The only way to describe it is with adjectives that are themselves full of profanity - completely fucking mindboggling, brainfuckling, batshit crazy. Then again, I guess this next video/story is Bill O'Reilly finally elaborating on the "Homosexual Agenda" the far right always throws out. (Apparently it's to beat the shit out of people.)



The guest, Rod "Almost a Great Pornstar Name" Wheeler, quite ominously calls it a "National Underground Network" of lesbian deviants. Does he honestly mean to suggest that they are really that organized? A Network? A Crew? Like, a Legion?

Do they meet in the Hall of Doom, located beneath an anonymous swamp and devise plans with a Lex Lutherian lesbian leader? Do they have a five-point plan for the homosexualization of all good Christian children by the Spring of '08? Do they count Cheetah amongst their ranks, the cat-suit-wearing arch nemesis of Wonder Woman?

I, for one, find this news not so much threatening, a sign of a ruined culture full of feelings of disenfranchisement, or really, a cause for concern in the least bit, but instead...










Hot. That's right, America. Lesbians. Marauding bands of them assaulting innocent heterosexual men minding their own business. And if not men, they're assaulting other ladies, which also sounds pretty hot.

I consider this to be a great, great sign for the look and feel of the future apocalypse. I always imagined a sort of Mad Maxian future on the way anyway, but from the looks of things, the vast American wasteland of the dystopian future is looking a whooole lot sexier. Mr. Rod Wheeler didn't mention it, but I've heard rumor that the Lesbian Legion of Doom members dress in those big, awesome shoulder pads with spikes on them and have crazy mohawks.

Maybe I can join and observe them like Hunter S. Thompson did with the Hell's Angels. Except, you know, hot lesbians.


Honestly, didn't that news clip feel staged? I think both Bill and Rod just wish this story were true. And I guess it also helps to keep peoples' thoughts off the fact that the death toll for the past three months in Iraq - 329 - is the deadliest quarter for U.S. troops in Iraq since the war began in March 2003.

If there were only hot lesbian insurgents in Iraq, perhaps O'Reilly would talk about it.