Because We All Know Jesus Could Have Used Some Novelty T-Shirts

Let's face it, Jesus was no fashionista. If He were alive today, He would probably be brutally critiqued on TLC's "What Not to Wear" program.

You thought the crucifixion was tough? Well Mr. Jesus, you haven't met the hosts, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly! In this Peabody Award-winning public service show, the participant gets a credit card valued at 5,000 bucks to buy a whole new wardrobe in exchange for throwing out their existing clothes. The hosts then take any willing participants to New York for shopping, haircuts and demeaning and often sarcastic evaluations of their purchases. Eventually, the previously pathetic and totally worthless participant has a new look that is approved by the two fashion consultants.

Jesus simply wouldn't be able to turn the other cheek when this guy told him what not to wear.




Now, once Jesus is all fixed up in his new duds, all we've got to worry about are his followers. One gay man and his "Shut up!"-yelling ladyfriend (this is the comment that comes out of her mouth when she approves of the end result of her own work) simply can't clothe all His followers, or even a single denomination.

Luckily we have the fine retailers at christianshirts.net to provide us with the hippest and hottest in totally awesome t-shirts. Praise the Lord!

My favorites, some followed by their accompanying quotes:


"In secular American society people want to take God out of everything and get a free ticket to heaven. This shirt tells them it doesn't work that way!"
(As a secular American, I guess I'll just have to burgle a Christian to get that ticket to heaven I'm so worried about.)



"These Christian shirts are a fun way to state a serious message about evolution."
(Very serious, indeed.)


"With environmentalism being very popular these days, make sure people don't forget about the unborn with this funny tee shirt."
(Because we all know the inherent hilarity of fetuses.)



(Well, Charles Darwin did say that.)


And lastly...



I'm powered by my own snide blogs. Less so by backgrounds featuring lightning bolts. Although I'm sure they couldn't hurt.

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies to Grow Up to be Destroyers of the Constitutional Balance of American Government

I mean Cowboys.




When all else fails, accompany that trademark scowl with a 10-gallon hat and say the surge in Iraq "has succeeded brilliantly." Now if he just had a mustache, he could raise his trustworthiness a full 50 percent.


P.S.
This is a real photograph.

Alberto Gonzales and Bush Love Them Some Killin'

Read this book.



By Charlie Savage.


So far, it's almost overwhelming in its scope. But that in no way bogs down the reading. Then again, maybe the reading goes a little easier because of the shocking things I've learned, especially in regard to the history of powergrabs by presidents of both major parties. Hell, even Lincoln broke the law by stepping outside the bounds of his executive responsibilities. But that's a little more complicated and for another time.

For now, I wanted to relay a passage in regard to the disgraced former attorney general, Alberto Gonzales. You may have heard of Bush's record for number of inmates executed while he was governor of Texas. Let's all give him a round of applause. I'll wait.

All right, what I didn't know was former attorney general Gonzales' role in this proud Guinness book entry. After being elected governor, Bush named Gonzales, currently working for a corporate law firm, as his general counsel.

Here is a paragraph verbatim from the book that - I couldn't believe it myself - made me think even less of the man:

One of Gonzales's most important tasks had been to prepare briefings for Bush about death row prisoners on the mornings of their scheduled executions so that the governor could decide whether to grant clemency or to allow the sentence to be carried out. During Bush's six-year watch, 152 inmates were executed - a number unmatched by any other modern American governor. Gonzales had written clemency memos for the first 57 of them. Almost all of the petitions were marked "Confidential" and none of them was intended to see the light of day, but The Atlantic Monthly later obtained them through an open-government law. After comparing each briefing memo with the actual facts of each case, the magazine concluded that Gonzales had "repeatedly failed to apprise the governor of crucial issues in the cases at hand: ineffective counsel, conflict of interest, mitigating evidence, even actual evidence of innocence." Instead of telling Bush the best argument for why it might be appropriate to commute a given death sentence to life without parole - such as the fact that one thirty-three-year-old convict was severely retarded and had been abused as a child, two issues that his defense lawyer had incompetently failed to bring up at sentencing - Gonzales largely confined his briefings to reciting details of the convict's crimes. But Bush, a strong supporter of the death penalty who had made clear that he was not interested in stopping executions, was pleased with his counsel's approach.



Me again. This is yet another example of Bush not wanting to bog down his efficient decision-making with details, facts, nuances, etc., and surrounding himself with just the right goons not to bother him with such things.

"It's Just a Plant"

So, I was perusing the Internets today at work. Checking the usual mesh of my daily Web site readings: Facebook, MySpace, CNN.com, Engadget, MacDailyNews, popurls and a few friends blogs. (By the way, I recommend popurls.com - it's a collection of various feeds from several sites including digg.com, Flickr, reddit.com, YouTube and many others.)

Popurls.com is where I found this:


Read part of the story here: It's Just a Plant.

If you choose, you can also read the story in Finnish, French, German, Hebrew, Hungarian, Korean, Portuguese, Spanish Swedish, or Thai.

I am pretty sure I am going to order a copy of this for my living room table.

Birth Control Via Delicious, Sugary Soda?

Listen up, teens and tweens! Dr. Josh here has heard some pretty nasty rumors about your sad lack of safe-sex awareness. And by rumors, I mean I read it on the Internets. Sounds like you Florida younguns don't know your ass from your elbow, nor your candyland areas from your soft drink nutrients.


According to a survey in Florida:

Florida teens who believe drinking a cap of bleach will prevent HIV and a shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy have prompted lawmakers to push for an overhaul of sex education in the state.


And I thought abstinence-only education was such a foolproof strategy!


I guess my question is, do you take the shot of Mountain Dew before or after sex?

During perhaps?


(What a great ad campaign opportunity for this soda company, by the way.)


Another myth is that Florida teens also believe that smoking marijuana will prevent a person from getting pregnant, Local 6 reported.


Wait...

that's not true?


What about smoking out of a bong where the marijuana smoke is cooled with ice cold Mountain Dew? What about snorting lines of Mr. Pibb? I read somewhere that doing that during foreplay is supposed to cause one's genitals to emit an aroma unfavorable and repellent to pubic lice. True story.

I guess we should be thankful girls aren't douching with Sierra Mist.

'Cuz come one, everybody knows it's holy water that keeps the lady doctor away.


I'm hoping Florida doesn't let this scare the state lawmakers into changing their policy toward some more comprehensive, fact-and-reality-based education program. God forbid our nation's youth know that condoms, not high-fructose corn syrup and yellow 5, help prevent pregnancy and STDs.


What we really need is not a bunch of know-it-all perverts telling our kids about the rubbers and the AIDS, what we need are any of the following suggestions I've cooked up in my science lab:

- Wizards.
- Magic 8 Balls. (These could be passed out for free at Planned Parenthood!) Simply ask the fortune-telling sphere whether or not the expectant sexual encounter will result in creating another human life, or if you will develop a venereal Legion of Doom that attacks your Geni-pals.
Of course, if you end up getting one of those stupid "Better not tell you now" answers, I suggest safety by breaking open the toy and chugging that dark blue liquid in which the magic die floats.
- Don't confuse open sores with the little known and rare ability to excrete delicious Big Red. As in, don't lick open sores until you have confirmed your partner is indeed leaking red cream soda.
- Coitus Interreptus. This always works. Consider it a very sexy time out.


Taking a moment for personal reflection, I think maybe I know where the Mountain Dew thing comes from - I remember in high school the rumor that the ingredient, Yellow 5, a dye used to attain that wonderful, golden, piss-of-the-Gods glow inherent to the beverage, was supposed to make guys sterile. And while my six children with six different woman attest otherwise, my kids did at least come out a very unique, lemony yellow color.



Other points/sites of interest:
This World War II propaganda poster targeted toward U.S. military:


Here you can read about a bunch of hot teenagers wasting their good looks on abstinence and some bullshit called "secondary virginity." It's called It's Great to Wait. The jury's still out on the greatness.

There is something very wrong with this...

A coworker sent me this:



I was hesitant to write about this and still am. I mean there are so many things wrong with this that I do not even know where to start. Frankly, I really do not know what to say. The girl is basically putting a strap-on on. This is some new Wii game in Japan. From ThinkGeek: "Prepare yourself by strapping on the included belt harness and jacking in your Wiimote. A series of toilets are presented on screen and the challenge is to tilt your body to control a never-ending stream of pee. Get as much pee in the toilets as you can while spilling as little on the floor as possible. Sounds easy eh? Well the toilets open and close whack-a-mole style and occasionally the stray cat or other cute critter pops up. Spray a cat for extra points. Get too much pee on the ground and your game is over."

I can image the possibility of games that may take advantage of the harness Wiimote adapter. Think about it...

Read more here and come to your own conclusions.

Give me your best...

caption for this picture:


*This is not my photo, just something I found on the Internet.*

Click here to view larger.