Birth Control Via Delicious, Sugary Soda?

Listen up, teens and tweens! Dr. Josh here has heard some pretty nasty rumors about your sad lack of safe-sex awareness. And by rumors, I mean I read it on the Internets. Sounds like you Florida younguns don't know your ass from your elbow, nor your candyland areas from your soft drink nutrients.


According to a survey in Florida:

Florida teens who believe drinking a cap of bleach will prevent HIV and a shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy have prompted lawmakers to push for an overhaul of sex education in the state.


And I thought abstinence-only education was such a foolproof strategy!


I guess my question is, do you take the shot of Mountain Dew before or after sex?

During perhaps?


(What a great ad campaign opportunity for this soda company, by the way.)


Another myth is that Florida teens also believe that smoking marijuana will prevent a person from getting pregnant, Local 6 reported.


Wait...

that's not true?


What about smoking out of a bong where the marijuana smoke is cooled with ice cold Mountain Dew? What about snorting lines of Mr. Pibb? I read somewhere that doing that during foreplay is supposed to cause one's genitals to emit an aroma unfavorable and repellent to pubic lice. True story.

I guess we should be thankful girls aren't douching with Sierra Mist.

'Cuz come one, everybody knows it's holy water that keeps the lady doctor away.


I'm hoping Florida doesn't let this scare the state lawmakers into changing their policy toward some more comprehensive, fact-and-reality-based education program. God forbid our nation's youth know that condoms, not high-fructose corn syrup and yellow 5, help prevent pregnancy and STDs.


What we really need is not a bunch of know-it-all perverts telling our kids about the rubbers and the AIDS, what we need are any of the following suggestions I've cooked up in my science lab:

- Wizards.
- Magic 8 Balls. (These could be passed out for free at Planned Parenthood!) Simply ask the fortune-telling sphere whether or not the expectant sexual encounter will result in creating another human life, or if you will develop a venereal Legion of Doom that attacks your Geni-pals.
Of course, if you end up getting one of those stupid "Better not tell you now" answers, I suggest safety by breaking open the toy and chugging that dark blue liquid in which the magic die floats.
- Don't confuse open sores with the little known and rare ability to excrete delicious Big Red. As in, don't lick open sores until you have confirmed your partner is indeed leaking red cream soda.
- Coitus Interreptus. This always works. Consider it a very sexy time out.


Taking a moment for personal reflection, I think maybe I know where the Mountain Dew thing comes from - I remember in high school the rumor that the ingredient, Yellow 5, a dye used to attain that wonderful, golden, piss-of-the-Gods glow inherent to the beverage, was supposed to make guys sterile. And while my six children with six different woman attest otherwise, my kids did at least come out a very unique, lemony yellow color.



Other points/sites of interest:
This World War II propaganda poster targeted toward U.S. military:


Here you can read about a bunch of hot teenagers wasting their good looks on abstinence and some bullshit called "secondary virginity." It's called It's Great to Wait. The jury's still out on the greatness.