This Baby Jesus Likes to Party

As you may know, Lubbock's crime rate, especially that of violent crime, is disproportionately high. It's a not-so-secret secret of this immaculate Bible Belt buckle, where the good ol' folks want to live in a bubble full of angels and football dreams.

But, fear not Lubbockites, because the LPD is hot on the trail of the latest local villains hellbent on world domination.

That's right. Our donut-caked moustachioed heroes have allowed us all to rest a little easier tonight, snug and comfortable on our pillows and prayers. For folks, the Lubbock Police Department has foiled another group of sex-crazed scoundrels running a motley den of sin.

From lubbockonline.com:
"The owner of a lingerie shop where undercover officers arrested a store employee earlier this month could also face charges in connection with sexual devices that police recently confiscated from the store, Lubbock’s police chief said Tuesday."

"Four undercover officers served a search warrant at Somethin’ Sexy lingerie shop on Slide Road on May 4. An employee who sold a sexual device to an undercover police officer was arrested and charged with promotion of obscene devices — a class A misdemeanor."

"[Police Chief Claude] Jones cited chapter 43 of the Texas Penal Code, which prohibits the possession of six or more obscene devices — described as 'a dildo or artificial vagina, designed and marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.'

I'm slightly troubled by the seemingly necessary inclusion of the word "human" in that last sentence.

But now to the hot and sexy details:
"Inside a closed cabinet at the rear of the store, police discovered dozens of 'hard core' sexual devices 'obviously intended for sexual gratification,' Jones said."

"According to police records, about 120 items were confiscated from Somethin’ Sexy, ranging from vibrating tongue rings to a remote vibrating thong."

Remote vibrating thong? Are people so lazy that they need a remote for this? They're too lazy to keep their hands on their own genitals?

Anyway, I'm glad to know we got these scoundrels. I hope they rot in prison forever. You don't expect us to just let these fiends peddle their filth to adults who actively request to see and purchase these items do you? My God, we can't just allow private morality to escape the whims of puritanical-based legislation can we? What would become of this utopian oasis we call home?

Perhaps the police thought the dildos were somehow tied to a murder. Like, if the boardgame clue took place in Lubbock instead of a mysterious mansion, we could say that "It was Mrs. White...in the Somethin' Sexy Lingerie store on slide...with...the dreaded Dildo of Thor!"


I can't help but think that if the "obscene devices" looked like this




we wouldn't be having a problem. I mean, a Baby Jesus Buttplug? That's good Christian fun right there.