My first contribution to this awesomeness of blogs!

I am sitting in the Houston International Airport. I have been here since almost 9 am. I am on my way back to Lubbock from McAllen. My original flight from McAllen to Houston was at 9:30; but since my dad dropped me off on his way to work early, I was able to catch an earlier flight. I was under the impression that I would also catch the earlier flight from Houston to Lubbock. I didn’t. So I left McAllen at 7:30. I got to Houston around 8:45. Was told the 11:00 flight to Lubbock was full and I would have to wait until my original flight that left at 2:10. Fuck. Stuck in Houston Airport for almost 5 hours.

Did I mention my luggage is on the earlier flight? So it will be waiting for me when I get to Lubbock. Which I suppose is good news. But it will have been sitting there for almost the same amount of time I have been stuck in Houston. Fuck.

So I did the good son thing and came home for mother’s day. It was somewhat emotional. I won’t go into detail about this, but for those of you that know what all has gone on with my mother, you will understand.

It was also very boring. So I thought about a lot of things. About my life. My parents. My future.

Leaving Lubbock was good. Although it was only for a few days, it was still a nice needed break. It helped me escape my reality and feelings of failure and depression that I face nearly everyday in Lubbock. However, while I escaped my reality I was faced with my parent’s reality. The reality that my mother really isn’t getting any better. The reality that she is going to have back surgery…again. The reality that she is dying, and all my father can do is sit back, give her drugs to help the pain and wait for the inevitable. It is hard. It’s hard when I talk to them on the phone. But it’s worse then I am there, because I actually see what is going on. I can almost look at my mother and feel her pain. I can feel my father’s pain. As hard as is to leave since I do not see them very much, I almost feel a bit of relief when I do leave. I hate seeing her in pain. I want to help, but I know I can’t.

I realized a lot this weekend. I need to change. I want to change. I have to change. I honestly hate feeling like a failure whenever I go home. I have the feeling when I look into my fathers eyes. It’s a feeling of disappointment. A feeling of disapproval of what I am doing with my life.

My mother cried when I left this morning. When my father dropped me off at the airport, he told me that this was the happiest he has seen my mother in a long time. It was hard. A tear ran down my cheek. He then told me this was the happiest he has been in a long time too. I lost it. In fact, I am holding back tears right now. It is hard.

I am looking forward to getting back to Lubbock. This is good and bad. The only reason I am looking forward to coming back is because everything I have is there. Everything I know is pretty much in Lubbock. My belongings. My car. My friends. Although I love seeing my parents, not knowing the area or anyone there makes is hard to go home. All I ever do is sit around and watch TV. Granted, I don’t do much in Lubbock. But at least if I wanted to, I could.

I am also familiar with Lubbock. This will change soon. Soon I will leave. I have to leave. I feel like Lubbock is sucking me in more and more everyday. I have found myself OK with staying here and working in Lubbock until whenever. That can not happen. I want to do something with my life.

I will be 27 in June. It is time for a change.

Once I get back to Lubbock, things will be different. Maybe not that different at first, but they will change gradually.

I plan on starting to take more pictures. Create better portfolios. Hell, who am I kidding, create portfolios period. I am going to learn video editing. Learn to create a web site.

I also plan to write more. Mainly poetry.

I am going to update my resume and start applying for jobs.

I am going to get a second job. I need to start saving.

I will travel to Dallas during summer and spend some time working with R.J. I also will try to go to Portland. To see if I really do want to possibly move there.

These are just a few of the steps I much take to change things in my life. To get out of Lubbock and do something with my life.

I also plan on going back to school. I haven’t completely decided what for yet, but I have a few ideas.

I also need to stop abusing my body. I need to stop the drinking. Or at least not drink nearly as much. For reasons such as financial and health, the drinking will slow down for me. Possible cease. I also will start working out more. Working out more regularly. I start and go pretty solid for a few weeks but then stop. I even bought some equipment for my house and haven’t even touched it. I put it together and out it in the corned. And there it still sits.

Although I am not sure when I will be leaving Lubbock, it will happen. I have very little here. I do not need to be here. However, there are things that seem to keep me here and make me want to stay longer. I have thought a lot about those things. I know I need to face facts and reality. I need to start thinking more for myself. I have spent too much of my life trying to make others happy. Even at the risk of hurting myself in the process. This has to stop. It has made my depression worse.

I know it will probably be December before I leave. This is mainly so I can save money for when I move. However, if the right job comes along, my time in Lubbock may be shorter.

The count down to leaving Lubbock has begun.

*So I know this may not relate much to this blog, but part of it does. Plus I felt like I needed to add something soon, since I am one of the prime contributors. Soon I will be posting more pictures for your viewing enjoyment. Along with random blogs about my progress of changing and leaving Lubbock and hopefully some poetry. I hope you all will enjoy.*